Lovable serial killer Serge Storms is back and coming to the rescue of a Midwestern couple who aren't finding Florida quite as charming as he does in Riptide Ultra-Guide, the sixteenth installment in Tim Dorsey's bestselling series.
When newly unemployed Patrick and Barbara McDougal decide a vacation in Florida is just what they need to put life back on the right track, awful accommodations, a robbery, and a not-so-helpful police department make them rethink their decision to drown their troubles in paradise.
Luckily, charismatic (and crazy!) tour guide Serge Storms and his sidekick, Coleman, are up for another action-packed adventure in this outrageous crime thriller that Tim Dorsey fans won't soon forget.
About the Author
Tim Dorsey was a reporter and editor for the Tampa Tribune from 1987 to 1999, and is the author of twenty-one novels: Pope of Palm Beach, Clownfish Blues, Coconut Cowboy, Shark Skin Suite, Tiger Shrimp Tango, The Riptide Ultra-Glide, When Elves Attack, Pineapple Grenade, Electric Barracuda, Gator A-Go-Go, Nuclear Jellyfish, Atomic Lobster, Hurricane Punch, The Big Bamboo, Torpedo Juice, Cadillac Beach, The Stingray Shuffle, Triggerfish Twist, Orange Crush, Hammerhead Ranch Motel, and Florida Roadkill. He lives in Tampa, FL.
Read an Excerpt
The Riptide Ultra-Glide
By Tim Dorsey
HarperCollins PublishersCopyright © 2013 Tim Dorsey
All rights reserved.
ONE MONTH EARLIER
A fisherman found the body in the mangroves just before dawn.
Actually, tiny crabs found it fi rst. Th e tide had ebbed from an
inlet near the top of the Florida Keys, and the muck began to give off
that funk. Th e homicide was what authorities like to call a classic case
of overkill. But they were still stumped about the specifi c cause of death
because of the way . . . well, it's complicated. And all this didn't happen
until tomorrow. Right now the victim was still very much alive, and the
residents of Key Largo had their attention on something else . . .
At the very bottom of the state— below Miami and the zoo and the
Coral Castle and everything else— sits the tiny outpost of Florida City.
Last stop. Nothing below on the mainland but mangroves and swamp.
8 TIM DORSEY
Th ere was some agriculture and migrants on the outskirts, but
mainly it was just a short tourist strip where the end of the state turn-
pike dumps motorists into a cluster of economy motels and convenience
stores: a fi nal gas- up, food- up and beer- up before the long, desolate run
to the Florida Keys.
Sportsmen bashed bags of ice on the curb in front of a Shell station,
college students toted cases of beer, and a '72 Corvette Stingray fl ew
south doing eighty. It ran a red light and was pushing a hundred by the
time it passed the last building— the Last Chance Saloon— and dove
down into the mangroves.
Th e driver looked in the rearview. Faint sirens and countless fl ash-
ing blue lights a mile behind. He fl oored it.
Coleman leaned back and shotgunned a Schlitz. “Serge, do you
think we'll ever be caught?”
“ 'Caught' is a funny word,” said Serge. “Most criminals catch
themselves, like getting stuck at three a.m. in an air duct over a car-
stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying
and screaming from the ceiling, and the fi re department has to get him
out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or,
even more embarrassing, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, then you actu-
ally need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-
“Th ose cops are still chasing,” said Coleman, fi ring up a hash pipe.
“Where did they all come from?” Serge leaned attentively. “Th ere
was nobody following, and then, bam! Th e road hits Florida City and
suddenly it's like a Blues Brothers chase back there.”
“Florida City?” Coleman dropped a Vicodin. “So that's what that
string of motels is called?”
Serge nodded. “Actually a funny story. Used to be called Detroit.”
Coleman swigged a pint of Rebel Yell. “Now you're making fun of
me because I'm wrecked.”
“Swear to God. You can look it up,” said Serge. “I wouldn't shit
“I know,” said Coleman. “I'm your favorite turd.”
“And naming it Detroit wasn't even an accident, like the other
THE RIPTIDE Ultra-Glide 9
times when two pioneer families set up shop in the sticks and there's
no one else around to stop them, and they're chugging moonshine by
the campfi re, 'What should we call this place?' 'Fuck it, I already spent
enough eff ort today running from wild pigs,' and then you end up
with a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas— you can look that up, too.
Except modern- day Florida City started as an ambitious land develop-
ment with hard- sell advertising and giant marketing geniuses behind
the project. Th en they had the big meeting to concoct a name: 'I got it!
What do people moving to Florida really want? To be in Michigan!' ”
“Bullshit on Michigan,” said Coleman.
“Th at was pretty much the universal consumer response back in
1910,” said Serge. “But I still can't wrap my head around that manage-
ment decision to name it Detroit. Th e brain wasn't engineered to deal
with that rarefi ed level of dumbness.”
“Sounds like they were all on acid,” said Coleman.
“Exactly,” said Serge. “So here's what I think really happened: Th e
top guy mentioned the name, and everyone else obsequiously nodded
and went along with the idea like they do around Trump, and then
months later they take the train south, and the main cat sees the signs
at the city limits: 'You idiots! Th at was sarcasm!' ”
“Th e cops are still back there,” said Coleman.
“Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running aft er
sticks,” said Serge. “Th ey probably don't even know why they do it.
Th ey just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who
isn't behind the wheel says, 'Why are we stopping?' 'Something inside
just told me to because there's a really cool crash up ahead. It's weird; I
can't explain it.' ”
“I hope we never get caught,” said Coleman.
“Th at would be my choice,” said Serge. “Unfortunately, a lot of
people are looking for us, and heading down to the Keys is never a good
call when you're on the run.”
Another Schlitz popped. “Why?”
“Geography. Th ere's just one road in and no way out, so it's a fool's
move,” said Serge. “Except in our case, because I can line up some boats.
I know these guys.”
10 TIM DORSEY
“Th e cops are getting closer.”
Serge gestured with the book he was reading. “Turn up the volume
on the TV.”
Coleman twisted a knob. “Th at Corvette is really fl ying.”
“I love watching live police chases on TV,” said Serge. “You usually
have to live in California.”
“Th ey have more helicopters out there,” said Coleman.
“But our Channel Seven whirlybird is staying right with him,” said
Serge. “Down the Eighteen Mile.”
“Th e name for
Excerpted from The Riptide Ultra-Glide by Tim Dorsey. Copyright © 2013 Tim Dorsey. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
ttftt tfttttft ttfft
Another fun Serge Storms book. One part social justice fighter, one part Florida historian and one part creative serial killer, these books are tons of fun. With the intertwining plot lines which show the “real” Florida and ridiculous situations the characters find themselves in you can’t help but be entertained by Serge and Coleman as they careen through the story!
Reviewed by Alice DiNizo for Readers' Favorite Tim Dorsey writes humorous thrillers that are off-beat and amusing, and in his "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" he has written another goofy but well-written novel featuring Serge and his sidekick Coleman. Serge and Coleman are in Florida hoping to create a reality TV show rivaling what is currently on television. Up to their usual hijinks, Serge and Coleman begin by kidnapping the rude man in front of them at an ATM and so the story continues on its way. Meanwhile Barbara and Patrick McDoughall of Wisconsin are vacationing in Florida after being laid off from their teaching jobs working with kids who are developmentally disabled. Barbara and Patrick have lost some of their luggage but they continue with their vacation plans, staying at Casablanca where their reservation is lost, their identification possibly stolen, and unknown people keep telephoning them or knocking on their hotel door. Strange people such as Kentuckian Catfish,Gooch, Gaspar, Dr. Arnold Lip who is a totally unqualified doctor. and a host of policemen as well as drug dealers keep the story moving along as cars crash and bullets fly. Tim Dorsey's "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" is a hoot of a story, well-written and filled with unrealistic but totally believable characters. Serge and Coleman, Bar and Patrick McDougal, Catfish and Gaspar, Arnold Lip and Hagman Reed are all people the reader will enjoy reading about but will be delighted that they are not close neighbors. The dialogue is quite appropriate to the text and the plot proceeds with completely unexpected twists and turns to the end. All in all, "The Riptide Ultra-Glide" will delight those readers who seek the extraordinary in the books they select.
There’s nothing sane about a novel featuring Serge A. Storms and his sidekick, Coleman. There usually is a plot, but the real show is the madcap escapades and far-out situations described. And no less so are the irreverent observations from Serge’s mouth. Too numerous to mention. As in the former entries in the series, this novel takes place in Florida, giving Serge the opportunity to hold forth on the many locales and highlights of the State. It begins with Serge and Coleman driving down to the Keys, filming what is to be a reality show on a camcorder. And the rest of the book, of course, turns out to be surreal, when a couple of teachers from Wisconsin lose their job and decide to go to the Sunshine State on vacation. Instead they become embroiled in the midst of two gangs fighting for control of drug traffic. It remains for Serge to rescue them. The novels in this series are not particularly easy reading because much of the time Serge’s observations and comments are so outlandish that the reader has to stop and regroup. But, crazy as it sounds, most of the time they make sense. Nevertheless, a Serge A. Storms novel is always enjoyable. And recommended.
Serge and Coleman never disappoint!
Tim Dorsey only gets better. I have read all his books and this is my favorite. Keep them coming, Tim!
I have not read one of Tim Dorseys book that I did not enjoy. I pick it up and dont want to put it down. Really enjoyed him at the book signing tonight too. Thanks to Barnes and Nobles for having him.
Tim Dorsey is the Salvador Dali of authors, in my opinion. How does he come up with these things? He intertwines the various characters in most creative ways. This is a laugh out loud book.
Really enjoy this series.
A must read to keep up with the wild ones adventures. Very easy read and a good book to relieve stress and escape from the real world for a while.
After reading a quarter of the book, I just gave up. A total waste of time. The story line was just to unbearable to read any more. I should ask them to pay me for trying to read this one.
This is the same formula as his last several books. It is getting hard to discern on book from another. No more originality. Seems like he wrote this to get another paycheck than to create something fresh.
When I truly understand my opponent I hate him. But at the same time I love him. - Nitro Ultima__________ I was born in Manehatten. Where everyday it was busy on the streets. My father and my mother named me "Winston". At that time Manehatten was full with crime. Many things happenend. I spent my first year living in an apartment. My dad was named Jarvo Ultima. While my mom was named Crystal Ultima. My dad is a pro basketball player being traded all the time. My mom was an Electrical engineer. One dark night my mom was gone. I cried. My dad tried to do everything he could to stop me from crying. I finally stopped. By that time my dad got a call that he was traded from the boston celtics to the Los Angles Lakers. we packed everything we had and moved to L.A. I didn't know what to expect. But instead I got tons of heat. And by my next year things started to change.
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waited a long time for this book, now I just wish I could read it
B & n should be shot for even listing this rip off for sale