Until now, many of us have expected another person to make us feel whole. However, as the world is discovering that philosophy does not work most of the time. Divorce rates are soaring worldwide, and while our technology is evolving at a frantic speed, our relationships just aren’t keeping up. We need a brave new way to move forward. The Cinderella Evolution is an essential guide, to finding a completely new way to achieve lasting love.
If you are married or not, yet unhappy because your relationship just isn’t working the way you had wished, how about instead of separating to break up, imagine separating to make up, coming back together in celebration. This is also for those who are single and want a relationship but are afraid to love because of their past experiences. This guide directs you into a safe haven to explore becoming whole, before proposing a new life of personal happiness within and with each other.
Mary-Anne Frank’s The Cinderella Evolution provides the keys, exercises, recommendations, and directions for you to stop wishing and start experiencing finally, a real lasting loving relationship.
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Read an Excerpt
The Cinderella EVOLUTION
By Mary-Anne Frank
Balboa PressCopyright © 2013 Mary-Anne Frank
All rights reserved.
"Once upon a time" has been the beautiful beginning to many fairy tales for centuries, giving each of us hope for a journey to the happily ever after. As tradition leads us up the aisle, following our hopes and dreams, we feel elated, thinking we have found our prince or princess and our lives are set. Believing we now somehow belong to another person whilst agreeing to the vows of "until death do us part" leaves little room for anyone's feelings to change. Our intention, of course, is to always honour this commitment of love in the sight of God, this institution of tradition, whether we remain happy or not. For all those who intend to marry or who are married, and for those who have already broken up, it is obvious there is a tremendous relationship failure rate worldwide. So how do we safeguard ourselves from becoming one of those statistics? Is there a new way to have a better shot at the fairy tale actually coming true?
Have we been so conditioned that once married, we believe we have to create 2.4 kids, work hard, buy a house, try and succeed, grow old and die, and hopefully have some fun along the way? If we don't achieve these things and waver from this path, we might feel guilt, judgement, and disappointment in ourselves. We can develop self-doubt and believe there is something wrong with us. Some of us even think we aren't good enough. We end up believing we need to find ourselves, powering through self-help books, and trying to fix ourselves when perhaps the problem isn't even us. Have we ever considered that maybe the problem is how our relationships are structured in the first place? Or how we go about combining? Maybe this is why love arrangements have been at risk of unstable foundations all along, or at least since TV was invented.
Before the 1960s, men and women had clearly defined roles and knew exactly what the rule book was. Since our grandmothers and grandfathers had walked this path, did we only need to follow in their footsteps to continue on, even though the world had changed radically since their day? Are we naïve to expect we should have the same success rate in staying together as our ancestors had?
Did happiness ever really come into it back then, or did they just find someone they liked, do the courtship thing, marry, have piles of kids, work hard, and do their best? I mean, you only need to look at the photos back then—no one ever smiled.
The outside world didn't seem to meddle a great deal in people's lives in those times. There wasn't the technology we have today, and transportation wasn't fast enough for easy affairs. Life was simple—survival and family—throughout the classes, from royalty to peasants. No matter how rich or poor, everyone knew his or her place and got on with lives of ritual and doing the best they could. Through wars and the Great Depression, they stuck it out. And here we are, blaming and complaining.
Times have changed far beyond what we could have imagined, with many interruptions and outside influences. Besides the ballooning population at all ages, we have technology that demands most of our time. We can connect worldwide, which offers us heaps of choices and all sorts of interference and temptation in our love lives. Between easy access to fast transportation and the ability to connect with anyone anywhere, infidelity is the number-one reason for divorce. It is so easy! So why are we still trying to make our relationships work in the old way, even though it is clear we have little chance of success, considering how our world has changed?
Are we really still wishing and hoping that we will be the lucky ones who miraculously find our soul mates, the one who will save us from ourselves, married or not? Is it a dream to think we are able to hold on to a relationship throughout a lifetime in this modern world, while around us most partners struggle to remain happy? Or have we simply not yet found another way of mastering this process of growing old together? Surely it's clear by now we need to update our thought patterns about soul mates.
Do we really know how to create success in our love lives in such a competitive world filled with unknowns? Does it even make sense to take this traditional path that doesn't work most of the time? In the end, we will all end up not smiling in photos. Are we going to continue chasing rainbows, never finding the emotional pot of gold we all seek?
Don't despair, soul mates, for there is a new way to demonstrate what we all want: to be free from emotional drama and yet loved, wanted, and valued. It's time for the Cinderella Evolution.
The Top Ten Reasons for Divorce:
1. infidelity (is it the fault of fast cars, cell phones, and computers?)
2. communication breakdown
3. physical, psychological, or emotional abuse
4. financial issues
5. sexual incompatibility
7. religious and cultural strains
8. child-rearing issues
10. differences in priorities and expectations
If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile.
What Is Love?
If we are not together to create and raise a family, why are we together? Is it to get love or give love? Why would we need to get love if we already had it within ourselves? As I work through this question, I understand that as babies and young children, we needed love and care. So it makes sense that if we didn't get it then, we would always seek it as we grow up. Is that why some are takers of love? Is it why those who received loads of love when they were young end up being givers? Or is it the other way around? What is love?
It's an interesting question to consider. I imagine that people who never received love when they were young cannot answer that question without feeling loss or pain. We clearly understand human love is important, as it is the core essence to creating well-being. So how does love actually behave? Some of us stand aside as we witness the demise of our worlds in the dissolution of our relationships. If we understood how love is supposed to look, and we all took a course in loving, perhaps our relationships would contain more giving of this joyful feeling.
I recall coaching a father and son about this very subject. The son was in his forties, and their relationship had gotten to a point where the father, an elderly man, was afraid of being in his son's company because the son was so verbally abusive. The son's wife asked me to step in and see if I could shed some light on things. I asked the son if he was willing to come over with his father and have a talk. He agreed.
We started off by discussing the topic of love, which everyone felt a little uncomfortable about. Yet I had a feeling this was the only subject that could heal this family. I asked the son if he loved his father. He bitterly replied, "Of course I do. He's my father."
"Really?" I said. "Because I will let you in on something right here, right now. Love doesn't actually behave like you have been behaving."
There was silence. As he looked at the floor, I could see a hurt little boy inside him, so angry at his dad for not giving him the love he needed. This lack of love had led to this bitter, angry man abusing the very person he wanted love from. There was an aha moment, and he understood. When we seek relationships while carrying around pain from the past or when we lack healthy emotion, our vision can be blurry when we look for love.
How does it feel to give love? It is warm and considerate. How does it feel to be connected to love without another person? Is that spiritual? How does love speak to us? Is it always gentle? How does love care for us? Is it encouraging and generous? If we knew love more as a behaviour, would we naturally do it more? How can we truly give love to one another, without an agenda, if we don't first possess it within ourselves? How do we possess it if we don't know what it is?
If we lack an understanding about self-love, our self-worth is often in question as our minds fixate on the drama within our relationships. Does he or she love me? Do I have to control it or do I need it? (controlling or needy) Where does our level of self-value stand in the big picture of love? When do we decide if this sort of love is acceptable or if it will suffice? Do we only accept the love we think we deserve?
We might think our self-esteem is high when we start a new relationship, so why do we spend our time worrying what the other person thinks of us or if he or she will call? Why do we wonder after the first few dates if he or she loves us? We might pretend to be confident, but inside we're freaking out about when—and if—this new relationship will progress to a deeper level. That's surely not about love. If we truly believed we were acceptable, we wouldn't feel so insecure.
Do we understand the difference between love and lust? Most of us think we do. Either way, our bodies produce a hormonal cocktail that's sure to confuse. Are we even aware of how powerful the chemical reactions are in our brains when we first meet someone we are attracted to? The dopamine rush we receive is as strong as a hit of cocaine, as some experts explain. (No wonder people get into trouble when they try those drugs that produce dopamine!) With our hormones, dopamine is followed by testosterone, which prepares us to take the risk of our lives. With this chemical cocktail of hormones in charge, we can see why we crave seeing the other person every chance we get. We have to come back for more and more! If this love hit is so strong, are we sure it's doesn't make us believe we are in love when it's actually just physical? The pituitary gland produces an important hormone called oxytocin, the bonding, cuddling hormone. Without that present in both people, monogamy just won't win. If a man simply rolls over after lovemaking, or jumps up to get dressed whilst finding the car keys, you might want to consider that this relationship won't last.
Unfortunately, these chemicals die out in most couples after a while; hence we say the honeymoon period is over. Bummer. Couples everywhere feel disappointment because the buzz is gone. But can we make the honeymoon period last?
These powerful sexy chemicals feel so amazing, they can drive couples to have affairs as all logic goes out the window and brain cells manifest themselves in everyone's pants.
Can you see the importance of having a good grasp of our self-esteem, really understanding what love is about, so we can increase our chances of having more divine relationships? If we take the hit of love, those drug like feelings, whilst nursing insecurity or a vulnerable esteem, we are sure to create a recipe of heartbreaks with everyone. Few things are worse than having some overwhelming crush, thinking we are in love, when the other person has no intention of loving us back. (Crush? Do people still have those?)
Being aware of that one component in the other person, the attractiveness that has chemicals screaming around our bodies, is why we must stay grounded enough to look at the big picture. We cannot achieve this if we are in each other's pocket day in and day out. Then we are too late and say, "What the hell was I thinking,? This person isn't anything like I imagined." We need to stop and ask ourselves, "How does all of this person stack up to my idea of real love?" And we need to ask, "Should we be diving in so deep so soon?"
As a professional coach, I am often surprised by the rationalizations my clients come up with when describing their feelings for their partners. The most common is, "I love my partner, but I just am not in love with them anymore." Are they suggesting this because they no longer get those butterflies-in-my-stomach feelings and that the dopamine has dried up?
Other clients have said to me, "I love my partner as the father or mother of my children. I'm not in love with them anymore, but it's comfortable." Comfortable? So are slippers, but I wouldn't want to make love to them. Is that how far we have managed to evolve, to get to a place of thinking we aren't in love but we will accept comfortable? Come on, soul mates, get with the program. We deserve better than that!
No one seems to be able to pinpoint their actual feelings when they say, "Well, I love my partner, but ..." What does that really mean?
Sometimes I ask a client, "What is love?" or "What do you really like about your partner?" Many find it difficult and somewhat uncomfortable to come up with answers. It is alarming that some people think they are "in love" or "love someone but," yet they can't make a list of what they like about that person. What the hell are we thinking, people? Surely we must like a tremendous number of attributes about someone in order for real love to manifest in the first place. Maybe we thought we were in love all along, yet it was just those hormones working overtime, tricking us into believing we were experiencing genuine love.
Just look at all the singles on the Internet. Are they there because they want someone to pick them? Do we pray for some Prince Charming or goddess who will stop us from feeling lonely, or imperfect, or isolated, or do we just someone to put the rubbish out? Is that what makes us feel complete?
Every psychologist on the planet has already told us in books galore that men and women don't work the same way. Scientists have confirmed that men and women are practically two different species. We don't connect on many levels, and we are not always physically, mentally, and emotionally compatible. Why the hell do we bother? Because we want love.
If that's the case, shouldn't we be self-assured about our worth before leaping into the arms of a prospective partner, to see if we can actually complement each other? If that's all we have to go on with our current state of awareness, shouldn't we try to get it right? If we knew that we are good enough, that we have more than enough to offer another in a lifetime of love, would we slow down and look at things a bit differently, especially if it would help our chances?
I find it interesting coaching people who say, "I love him/her so much," as if their lives depended on it, and yet they sit there and complain about how their partners are not meeting their needs.
Have we have failed to love ourselves enough so that we can't really know what love means?
If we continue to follow the traditional path despite our new age of technology, without evolving to a higher sense of love and allowing ourselves a greater sense of self, then that path will become fruitless and lost forever. Haven't you heard, people? It's not working most of the time!
When we act like the person we wish to become, by letting go of our insecurities so we can feel our own magnificence, not from an ego identity but a loving one, then our self-esteem rises to such a place that we don't need validation from the opposite sex—or same sex, if that is your choice. The higher our self-esteem, or self-love, the more whole we feel. When we feel whole, we give love, because we have love within us to give.
Wholeness means feeling connected to ourselves and loving our lives. This is where the feeling of self-worth arises. When we feel this wholeness, we feel grateful to be us. From that place we feel happy, inspired, and joyful. And we won't attract the wrong sorts of people. From this space of wholeness we will never again misunderstand what love is, because we will have plenty already inside of us. Statistics for the divorce rate in Western cultures indicate that remaining together is not working for a substantial number of people. Are the people who stay together really happy? Most couples I speak to are bored senseless! So read on, soul mates. There is a better way!
According to a New York Times article, "More Americans Rejecting Marriage in 50s and Beyond" (New York Times, March 1, 2012), in the past twenty years the divorce rate has increased over 50 percent amongst baby boomers. More and more adults are staying single, and according to an analysis of census data conducted at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, the divorce numbers will continue to rise.
If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works.
—Louise L. Hay
What is Fear?
I heard somewhere years ago that if you break the letters down, we can clearly see that fear stands for: False Event Appearing Real. My understanding, having studied and experienced many realms of fears, as have most humans, is that when fear is present, our attention is either in the past or the future. Fear is also the anticipation of an outcome.
While doing my research for this book, I found that it seemed like a large number of couples stayed in their relationships because they were afraid to move on—fear of the unknown and fear of being alone. Their fear revolved around survival, namely money—fearful of giving up wealth, fearful of earning an income, fearful they won't make it on their own, fearful they won't have enough.
Excerpted from The Cinderella EVOLUTION by Mary-Anne Frank. Copyright © 2013 Mary-Anne Frank. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Chapter One - Chasing Rainbows.................... 3
Chapter Two - What Is Love?.................... 8
Chapter Three - What is Fear?.................... 17
Chapter Four - Frog Moments.................... 22
Chapter Five - Why Do We Cheat?.................... 27
Chapter Six - Soul Mates.................... 34
Chapter Seven - What Causes Addictions?.................... 43
Chapter Eight - Take the Test.................... 49
Chapter Nine - Awareness.................... 53
Chapter Ten - The Courtship Era.................... 63
Chapter Eleven - Owning Life.................... 70
Chapter Twelve - What Is Source?.................... 74
Chapter Thirteen - Wholeness.................... 80
Chapter Fifteen - Relationship Evolution Philosophy—The Keys............... 87
Chapter Fourteen - The REP Program.................... 100
My final thought.................... 123
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
The book was an ok read.