Read an Excerpt
This book is not really about sex. It is about love. Loving means caring, and what is more caring than wanting our lover or mate to experience the fullest expression of his or her sexuality? Many women will privately admit that their lovers do not know how to satisfy them fully. There are men who know how to bring a woman to orgasm, even repeatedly, but they are a small minority. This book is intended to help couples achieve the deepest sexual fulfillment. However, the text and drawings in this book are of limited value without strong feelings of the heart.
Anyone can learn techniques, but technique alone will not make a person a great lover. Each man and woman has specific preferences and needs, and each must develop great sensitivity and awareness for the other to reap the full benefits of the techniques they learn. When you try adapting the material in this book, remember that your true purpose is not to simply perform a physical act; it is to enable your lover to feel things more deeply, to let him or her experience release beyond expectations, and ultimately to bring you and your partner closer together psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually.
When a man fully satisfies a woman, he frees her from harboring negative feelings such as frustration, disappointment, and anger. Men should consider what it would be like to make love without ever achieving climax. The thought alone should be inspiration to leave no stone unturned in the quest to give her the utmost pleasure when making love.
When he fulfills her, her passion will be released and she will be naturally motivated to fulfill him. Ultimately, both the man and the woman will benefit from increased desire as they both enjoy satisfaction.
A Note from Kim
People often ask me if I'm anything like the characters I play. Some people have even said that they assumed that for me to play a sexually open character, like Samantha Jones on HBO's Sex and the City, I must have had fabulous sex most of my life. Well, the truth is that until three years ago most of my sexual experiences were unfulfilling.
One purpose of this book is to debunk the myth that attractive women with sexy images have fabulous sex lives. The hype and glamour surrounding show business and the people in it reinforce that fiction. The parts an actor plays may have little to do with who she really is and how she feels. Many of the roles I've played—usually sexually aware, no-nonsense gals—have had nothing to do with me or what my life is really like. Quite frankly, these false images have, at times, interfered with my relationships and personal sexual satisfaction.
In my early thirties, I lamented to a girlfriend that many of the men I had been with seemed unaware of what could lead to sexual fulfillment for both of us. She cited the Rita Hayworth scenario, suggesting that perhaps my problems were due to men feeling that they were being intimate with an image they had seen on the screen and that when the real person appeared they were either disappointed or overwhelmed. Consequently, I was disappointed and unsatisfied, too.
I talked with friends, read books written by sex therapists, and sought professional help. I stood naked in front of the mirror learning to get in touch with my body. I studied diagrams that never fully explained where and how I could achieve orgasm with my partner. I turned forty. I'd gone through two decades of unsatisfactory sexual relationships.
I had convinced myself that I just wasn't a sexual woman, and like my mother before me, I began to feel that sex really wasn't that important. To me, sex meant being physically dominated by a man and experiencing some pleasure through the act of penetration in intercourse, but never reaching orgasm with my partners. So, I resolved to put all my energy into my work and my family, and joined my single girlfriends in their common complaint of not being able to find any good men.
Then, in January of 1998, I met my husband, Mark. Since then, I have learned many things about communication, sexuality, and honesty. I've also realized that one of the biggest limitations in sexual life is that many men don't know how to enable a woman to reach orgasm, and many women are not informed or confident enough to tell men what they need to do. I've discovered that the whole subject is essentially taboo. No one wants to admit that millions of women have unsatisfactory sex lives and that most men do not know what to do about it.
When friends heard that Mark and I were writing a book about how to fulfill a woman, they first asked, "Can I get a copy?" and then, "Why would you want to give away all your secrets?" My response has always been this: Why should sexual knowledge be thought of as secret? Why should information to satisfy both sexes be hidden or left to chance? With all the books by doctors and therapists, why is it that so many people are still suffering from a lack of sexual fulfillment? Information and advice about sex can and should be shared in a clear, concise, and honest way, and that's what Mark and I hope to contribute with this book. Our intent is to share ideas, scenarios, and suggestions that will lead people to greater mutual sexual satisfaction.
The character of Samantha Jones is a sexually free spirit who goes from man to man in an endless search for the right one. Many women say they would like to be more like Samantha, because she has a large sexual appetite and does what she wants in the bedroom. Many men see Samantha as the ideal date for the same reason. In real life, people want great sex as part of something more substantial: a partnership that comprises love, caring, and support, and provides avenues for growth and fulfillment on many different levels.
People sometimes tell me how Sex and the City has changed their way of thinking about sex. Samantha's openness makes people feel comfortable talking to me, Kim, about the ways in which they have experienced sexual disappointment and frustration. I find it fascinating, sad, and curiously comforting that I felt the same frustrations myself. Such experiences had made me feel quite alone, but now I realize that many women have felt this way. If you feel this way, know that you are not alone, and there is a solution!
Most men and women want the same things sexually—intimacy and deeply fulfilling sex with the one they love. But many couples have a difficult time achieving this. How then do we find sexual satisfaction?
Most of my sexual knowledge came from trial and error, but few partners knew more than I did at an early age. The female orgasm was something that other women experienced, or was induced by masturbation or the use of a vibrator. I remember once setting my cap for a known ladies' man just to get a glimpse of what I'd been missing. Let's just say that he had terrific P.R. In reality, the sex was just another disappointment.
I believe that a man should know how to make a woman experience orgasm until she is truly satisfied. This is not the only ingredient of a good relationship, but it certainly is excellent glue for binding couples closer together.
Satisfaction is not something you can get simply from a description or a drawing. These aids can function as a starting point or a springboard, but ultimately, the man must feel the woman and the woman must feel the man—in every sense of the word. Any woman who has been constantly let down by men in bed cannot expect her fear of disappointment and her anger at the years of frustration to disappear instantly. However, these feelings will melt away quickly when she begins to have orgasms and sees that her man wants her to be as fulfilled as possible. And for men, nothing compares to having your lover respond to your touch. For couples who seek this, we offer this book and hope it will be helpful.
I was quite surprised to discover how quickly my body responded to being touched in the right way. It didn't take much time to begin having orgasms. As my comfort and experience continue to deepen, so does the bond between Mark and me. When a man knows what to do, it is amazing how fast you can move on to new levels of intimacy.
Many people find it difficult to open up emotionally. Making the leap takes a combination of personal readiness, the right partner, and the right circumstances. When a man knows how to make love to a woman, it changes everything. When a woman finds herself responding, she should let it happen and feel everything. As she does, her response will intensify as well. I used to protect myself by limiting how much I felt, but I realized it would be wiser simply to let go. For me, the process is still unfolding. I continually open up more and more- the journey never ends. The best way to show appreciation for a great lover is by responding to his touch. This is a woman's greatest gift to her man, as well as the most liberating experience for her.
My wish is for those of you who have been living with little sexual fulfillment to realize that you are not alone. There is a way to have the sexual life you want. I know because I was unsatisfied for years, and finally found a path to real satisfaction.
A Note from Mark
When I was eighteen, my first lover was a woman nine years older than myself. The first time we made love, I was very excited and really had no idea what was supposed to happen. She coached me without my knowing it, and the third time we made love she told me that she had an orgasm. I was unaware of her experience and did not know what she meant. How does a woman have an orgasm? What does she feel? Do I have anything to do with it? Can I make it happen? Why was I so unaware of her experience?
I was confused and embarrassed, and decided that I wanted to better my understanding of how women work physically and emotionally, and to become the best lover I could be.
Why didn't I just ask her some questions? Very few men are comfortable asking a woman what feels right to her, heightens her experience, and makes her climax. It seems to be something men don't generally do.
Even if a man asks, the woman may be at a loss to explain to him what to do. A woman may know how to touch herself, but very few seem to know what a man can specifically do to excite her and make her come.
Perhaps we fear that if we talk about it, the magic of the moment will go away. Well, not talking about it has created a situation that is not working for many people.
I learned a lot about sex from being with different women, and by seeing what worked best for each person. Over the course of time, I became more aware and intuitive, and learned to feel my partner instinctively. It is an awareness that must be developed, but it is available to everyone.
Everything may be right in a relationship, but if sexual satisfaction is minimal or absent, the relationship is likely to suffer. All show and no go is not a promising scenario. It is amazing that in our society we have no tradition of passing along this most basic and vital knowledgehow to satisfy a woman. After all, when a man truly satisfies his lover, he attains true release for himself.
Kim and I are not doctors or professional sex therapists, but we are two people who are not afraid to talk to each other about what brings us satisfaction in bed. We hope that the material in this book will be helpful to those who want to be better lovers, as well as to those who want their partners to be better at lovemaking. Maybe others will write books that go beyond this one. If so, we will happily read and learn from them. At this point in time, we have not seen a book that contains this material, so we offer ours hoping for the best.
This book assumes that the man has the desire to fulfill the woman, and that the woman wants fulfillment with him. If this is not the case, this book will be of no value and other remedies should be considered.
The real purpose of this book is to help men develop their intuitive abilities and their overall consciousness and awareness of women and themselves. Ultimately, when she is sexually fulfilled, he has one of his greatest rewards.
Copyright © 2002 by Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson