"I'm prepared to kick a hole in the wall of the pain-ridden, unhappy maze you've gotten yourself into, and provide you clear access to action-oriented answers and instructions on what you must do to have what you want," says Dr. Phil. His aim is to expose and eliminate the saboteurs that cause senseless damage to already-fragile marriages, and, like an emotional root canal, to replace them with values he says provide positive results. If you follow Dr. Phil's strategy, he will lead you on a precise journey to uncover your heart and then share it with your partner as part of taking the "risk of intimacy."
Dr. Phil leads you to "reconnect with your core" in the first five steps of his seven-step strategy. By no means a quick fix, there are in-depth and rigorous questionnaires, surveys, tests, and profiles that require a "brutally candid" mindset, with such fill-in-the-blanks as "List five things that today would make you fall out of love with your partner." With this internal work accomplished, you'll then move on to reconnecting with your partner during a two-week, half-hour-a-day short course. As a "dyad," you and your loved one take turns giving monologues on topics such as "The most positive thing I took away from my mother and father's relationship was..."
Once the "reconnection" has been established, Dr. Phil says the work shifts to a management role, as relationships are always a work in progress. Dr. Phil humorously refers to his own marriage throughout the book, sharing his mishaps and victories in learning to accept and enjoy what he sees as fundamental but complementary differences between men and women. --John Youngs
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|Age Range:||13 - 18 Years|
About the Author
Hometown:Los Angeles, California
Date of Birth:1950
Place of Birth:Oklahoma
Education:Attended University of Tulsa; B.A., Midwestern State; Ph.D. in psychology, University of North Texas, 1979
Read an Excerpt
RELATIONSHIP HEALTH PROFILE
Let's take an overall look at your relationship. The following is a broad questionnaire, a true/false test that includes items relevant to the health of you and your relationship. Again, be honest and go with your first reaction. Do not spend an excessive amount of time debating any one item.
Circle either True or False for each item.
|1. I am satisfied with my sex life.||True||False|
|2. My partner doesn't really listen to me.||True||False|
|3. I trust my partner.||True||False|
|4. I feel picked on and put down.||True||False|
|5. I am hopeful about our future.||True||False|
|6. It is not easy to share my feelings.||True||False|
|7. My partner often says, I love you.||True||False|
|8. Sometimes I feel rage.||True||False|
|9. I feel appreciated.||True||False|
|10. I am out of control.||True||False|
|11. My partner is there for me in hard times.||True||False|
|12. My partner is harsh in his or her criticism.||True||False|
|13. My partner understands me.||True||False|
|14. I fear my partner is bored.||True||False|
|15. My partner doesn't like to share what's on his or her mind.||True||False|
|16. I imagine myself divorced.||True||False|
|17. My relationship is what I always dreamed of.||True||False|
|18. I know I am right.||True||False|
|19. My partner treats me with dignity and respect.||True||False|
|20. My partner is a taker.||True||False|
|21. We often do fun things together.||True||False|
|22. Sometimes I just want to hurt my partner.||True||False|
|23. I feel loved.||True||False|
|24. I would rather lie than deal with a problem.||True||False|
|25. We still have a lot of passion in our relationship.||True||False|
|26. I am trapped with no escape.||True||False|
|27. My partner thinks I am fun to be with.||True||False|
|28. Our relationship has gotten boring.||True||False|
|29. We enjoy going out on dates alone.||True||False|
|30. My partner is ashamed of me.||True||False|
|31. We trust each other a great deal.||True||False|
|32. We have become nothing more than roommates.||True||False|
|33. I know my partner will never leave me.||True||False|
|34. I am no longer proud of my body.||True||False|
|35. My partner respects me.||True||False|
|36. My partner constantly compares me to others.||True||False|
|36. My partner constantly compares me to others.||True||False|
|37. My partner still finds me desirable.||True||False|
|38. We just seem to want different things.||True||False|
|39. I am allowed to think for myself.||True||False|
|40. I feel crowded by my partner.||True||False|
|41. I am honest with my partner.||True||False|
|42. People have no idea what our relationship is really like.||True||False|
|43. My partner is open to suggestions.||True||False|
|44. My partner has shut me out.||True||False|
|45. My partner is my primary source of emotional support.||True||False|
|46. I feel judged and rejected by my partner.||True||False|
|47. My partner cares if I am upset or sad.||True||False|
|48. My partner treats me like a child.||True||False|
|49. My partner puts our relationship ahead of all others.||True||False|
|50. I'll never satisfy my partner.||True||False|
|51. My partner wants to hear my stories.||True||False|
|52. I chose my partner for the wrong reasons.||True||False|
|53. I look forward to our time together.||True||False|
|54. My partner thinks I am boring in bed.||True||False|
|55. My partner is lucky to have me.||True||False|
|56. My partner treats me like an employee.||True||False|
|57. I win my share of disputes.||True||False|
|58. I envy my friends' relationships.||True||False|
|59. My partner would protect me if necessary.||True||False|
|60. I am suspicious of my partner.||True||False|
|61. I feel needed by my partner.||True||False|
|62. My partner is jealous of me.||True||False|
Now go back over your test and count all of the even-numbered questions to which you answered True. Write down the total. Now go back and count all of the odd-numbered items to which you answered False. Add that number to your True total to get your overall score.
Even-numbered "True" responses:
Odd-numbered "False" responses:
This test is designed to give you a quick snapshot of the health of your relationship. If your overall score is above 32, it is likely that your relationship is in extreme danger of failing. If your total score is between 20 and 32, then your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an emotional divorce. If your total score is between 12 and 19, then your relationship is probably about average (which is not great) and certainly needs work. If your score is below 11, then your relationship is well above the norm and may have isolated areas in which you can improve.
THE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR PROFILE: YOUR PARTNER
Here are ten questions that will help organize and guide your thinking about why you feel the way you do about your partner. If some of your answers are the same to each question, that's okay. Use your journal, if you wish, to help you better understand your feelings.
- List five instances of your partner's loving behavior toward you during the last month.
- List five instances of unloving or hateful things your spouse has done to you during the last month.
- List and describe your partner's five best qualities.
- List and describe your partner's five worst qualities.
- List five things which you have asked or scolded or nagged your partner to correct or improve, but which your partner has not corrected or improved.
- List five things that made you fall in love with your partner
- List five things that today would make you fall out of love with your partner.
- Describe your partner's sexual relationship with you, paying particular attention to your partner's:
- Pattern of initiation
- Describe your partner's tendency or lack thereof to focus on you, paying particular attention to:
- Desire for being physically close
- Desire to talk with you one-on-one
- Desire to spend time alone with you
- Desire to protect you or comfort you during times of need
- Desire to please you
- Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of a day? If not, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If your partner complains about the way the house looks, write it down. If it's a look on your partner's face, write that down. If it's because you feel you have to invent conversation to make things pleasant between the two of you, write that down too.
THE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR PROFILE: YOU
That was the easy part. Now here are ten similar questions that you absolutely must answer with total honesty and candor to help organize and guide your assessment about the way you think about yourself, and about the way you and your partner relate. These are questions that you might not think to ask yourself, so consider them carefully. Resolve right now that you are not going to lie to yourself. Propel yourself to deal with the truth about yourself, even if it hurts. Prepare your heart and mind to be open rather than defensive. It is cowardly to blame, and it is cowardly and self-destructive to be in denial. Use your journal, if you wish, to help you understand why you feel the way you do.
- List five instances of loving behavior toward your partner during the last month.
- List five instances of unloving or hateful things you have done to your partner during the last month.
- List and describe your five best qualities.
- List and describe your five worst qualities.
- List five things which your partner has asked or scolded or nagged you to correct or improve, but which you have not corrected or improved.
- List five things that made your partner fall in love with you.
- List five things that today would make your partner fall out of love with you.
- Describe your sexual relationship with your partner, paying particular attention to your own:
- Pattern of initiation
- Describe your tendency or lack thereof to focus on your partner, paying particular attention to:
- Desire for being physically close
- Desire to talk with your partner one-on-one
- Desire to spend time alone with your partner
- Desire to protect or comfort your partner during times of need
- Desire to please your partner
- Does your partner look forward to seeing you at the end of a day? If no, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If you tend to complain to your partner about the day you've had soon after you see your partner, write that down. If you tend to have a stressful look on your face when you see your partner, write that down. If it's because you feel a sense of dread upon the sight of your partner, write that down too.
I hope this test helps you understand that fixing a relationship means a lot more than fixing your partner. In fact, as I will insist over and over throughout this book, there is no need for you to approach this rescue mission from the perspective of straightening your partner out. Trust me, you've got a lot of work to do yourself. This is not about winning out over your partner; this is about winning for the relationship.
You will also hear me frequently say throughout this book that you must approach your relationship with a willingness to own your part of the problem. Whatever your partner repeatedly does in your relationship, he or she does it at least in part because of how you respond. You teach your partner how to treat you--or how to continue treating you--by the way you respond. You either elicit, maintain, or allow the behavior by your own responses. If, for example, your partner takes certain excesses in the relationship or is consistently rude and insensitive, I promise you he or she has learned that such behavior is acceptable because of the way you have responded. You may in fact have actually rewarded your partner for such behavior by giving in, abandoning your position, or by getting so upset that you no longer can express adequately what you feel and believe.
Acknowledging your own problems can be most refreshing when you realize that at last you are getting real about what is going on. I am betting you will find that that willingness to take a non-defensive look at yourself can and will be inspiring to your partner.
Table of Contents
|Prologue: Get Real: Reconnecting with Your Core||1|
|1||It's Your Time; It's Your Turn||5|
|2||Defining the Problem||23|
|3||Blowing Up the Myths||46|
|4||Eliminating Your Bad Spirit||76|
|5||Reclaiming Your Core: The Personal Relationship Values||112|
|6||The Formula for Success||146|
|7||Reconnecting with Your Partner||192|
|8||Fourteen Days of Loving with Honesty||213|
|9||Red Alert: Relationships Are Managed, Not Cured||248|
|10||The Doctor Is "In"||266|
|Conclusion: A Personal Letter from Me to You||295|
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Relationship Rescue is my pick as the top book of 2000. This book deserves many more than five stars. It is as close as you can get to having a hands-on guide to improving your relationships as you can get without having a trained counselor present. It's too bad that most people will take on this book because they have a bad or failing relationship. It would be much better to start with this approach in the beginning. I hope marriage advisors, parents, living together couples, and engaged people will become familiar with this book and recommend it to others. The book is extremely direct. The author makes it clear that you have to first change yourself before you can change you relationship. The book is extremely well structured for easy use both as a book and as a workbook. It is divided into seven steps (define and diagnose where the relationship is now; get rid of your wrong thinking about relationships; find out what you are doing to hurt the relationships; internalize the values needed to build and maintain strong relationships; the necessary format for a strong relationship; and how to reconnect and manage the relationship). Each section is filled with diagnostic questions for you and your partner to use, as well as directions for implementing what you learn. The process involved is a good one. It begins with identifying stalled thinking, works on stallbusting that thinking, and then builds new habits that will work better. The steps are extensive, but you can take them in bite-sized amounts. Before you are done, you will be sharing what you have done with your partner. I have to believe that anyone who was told that their partner had been working on these questions and exercises would be very impressed by the commitment to the relationship that this effort represented. It can help overcome a lot of thoughtlessness that may have preceded that sharing. If your relationship is on the rocks, that idea of reconnecting can be scary. I was impressed to see that the book provides a 14 day program to help you with exercises that help reconnect you emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Most counselors would probably not give you this much guidance. You can improve the benefits you will find here by also using the excellent workbook that is sold separately. It contains many more questions and a convenient place to write them down. You can read my review of that as well, if you like. One of the finest things in life is to have a great relationship with other people. This book gives you the necessary background to move in that direction. The rest is up to you, as the author says. Give it a shot! You have a great quality of life to win! Donald Mitchell, co-author of The Irresistible Growth Enterprise and The 2,000 Percent Solution
I gave this book a try. But, like so many books on relationships, this book with its 'ten relationship values' is oversimplified. Once my husband (17 years) fell madly in love with someone at work, no book would have salvaged the situation. I am not playing victim or showing 'learned helplessness'. My ex husband had decided to leave us, period, whether I read some book or not. In summary I feel McGraw is way too optimistic believing that every relationship can be salvaged. Rather than 'Relationship Rescue', the book should be titled 'Relationship Values' and given to new couples, so that you build a strong relationship in the first place. Dr Phil refers to his grandparents' 55 year marriage and that's heartwarming, but it just isn't possible for everyone.
Practical, common-sense advice, engagingly written. This is one of a handful of books that I think can change anyone's life for the better. This one is easier reading than the others, but not particularly lightweight like so many out there that you can't suggest it to 'smart' friends who can benefit from it.
This book was used as a text in a relationship class. It was very insightful and an easy read. Most people will find it helpful in the search to enhance your awareness of what a relationship is.
Dr. Phil is up front and straight out. No small talk. He gets straingt to the point and has excellent teqniques for rejuvinating anybody's relationship.
Good tool that helps understand that relationship problems go way beyond specific symptoms and have a deeper component. Nice way to start the process of figuring out how to have happier relationships.
I was having a world of problems in my marriage and I did not know where to look. After being inspired by some of the things Dr. Phil says on TV, I decided to read this book. Boy am I glad I did! Dr. Phil has this ability to take it right to you and this is what I needed at the time. His words punched right through my walls of denial and forced me to make a real objective re-evaluation of myself and my relationship. It did wonders for me. After having this rejuvenating experience, I decided to explore and learn more about relationships and personal development. I have now found a more advanced book on relationships and personal development that is absolutely excellent! It is called 'The Ever-Transcending Spirit' by Toru Sato. It is more theoretical but an excellent read if you are one of those people who 'gets it!' It has taken me one step closer to inner peace and happiness.
We all have the tendency to try to blame others and change other people when they don't like something about their relationships. In this book, Dr. Phil convincingly shows us that we need to first change ourselves if we want to improve on our relationships. He explains how our relationships are truly a reflection of who we are inside and guides us through a step by step procedure to change ourselves (and consequently, our relationships) for the better. Another book that provides an even deeper understanding of relationships without getting into expert terminology is Dr. Toru Sato's 'The Ever-Transcending Spirit'. It is already a bestseller among my circle of relationship counselors and I'm sure it will be for anyone interesting in improving their relationships.
I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN. I CRIED. I THOUGHT. I REALIZED THAT MY RELATIONSHIP COULD WORK WITH A LOT OF POSITIVE THINKING. THANKS DR PHIL.
He tells it like it is and pulls no punches. Read this book only if you can handle the truth.
Rescuing dying relationships takes hard work, and MacGraw offers A WHOLE NEW WAY of looking at problem-solving. If you feel you've tried the usual way of solving marital discord and it hasn't worked, look into this book. It MAY be just what you need to save your relationship. Also, it offers great insight into how to keep your relationship tuned and in good condition. I say - go for it!
Maybe a good book. Didn't work for my last relationship
The book is extremely direct. The author makes it clear that you have to first change yourself before you can change you relationship.The book is extremely well structured for easy use both as a book and as a workbook. It is divided into seven steps (define and diagnose where the relationship is now; get rid of your wrong thinking about relationships; find out what you are doing to hurt the relationships; internalize the values needed to build and maintain strong relationships; the necessary format for a strong relationship; and how to reconnect and manage the relationship).Each section is filled with diagnostic questions for you and your partner to use, as well as directions for implementing what you learn.
brings up some interesting points about living as a couple that ring quite true, good stuff to think about.
Cuase if it is plz tell me!
Real useful information with concrete action steps.