Life Will Be the Death of Me: ...And You Too!

Life Will Be the Death of Me: ...And You Too!

by Chelsea Handler

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#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The funny, sad, super-honest, all-true story of Chelsea Handler’s year of self-discovery—featuring a nerdily brilliant psychiatrist, a shaman, four Chow Chows, some well-placed security cameras, various family members (living and departed), friends, assistants, and a lot of edibles

A SKIMM READS PICK • “This will be one of your favorite books of all time.”—Amy Schumer

In a haze of vape smoke on a rare windy night in L.A. in the fall of 2016, Chelsea Handler daydreams about what life will be like with a woman in the White House. And then Donald Trump happens. In a torpor of despair, she decides that she’s had enough of the privileged bubble she’s lived in—a bubble within a bubble—and that it’s time to make some changes, both in her personal life and in the world at large.

At home, she embarks on a year of self-sufficiency—learning how to work the remote, how to pick up dog shit, where to find the toaster. She meets her match in an earnest, brainy psychiatrist and enters into therapy, prepared to do the heavy lifting required to look within and make sense of a childhood marked by love and loss and to figure out why people are afraid of her. She becomes politically active—finding her voice as an advocate for change, having difficult conversations, and energizing her base. In the process, she develops a healthy fixation on Special Counsel Robert Mueller and, through unflinching self-reflection and psychological excavation, unearths some glittering truths that light up the road ahead. 

Thrillingly honest, insightful, and deeply, darkly funny, Chelsea Handler’s memoir keeps readers laughing, even as it inspires us to look within and ask ourselves what really matters in our own lives.

Praise for Life Will Be the Death of Me

“You thought you knew Chelsea Handler—and she thought she knew herself—but in her new book, she discovers that true progress lies in the direction we haven’t been.”—Gloria Steinem 

“I always wondered what it would be like to watch Chelsea Handler in session with her therapist. Now I know.”—Ellen DeGeneres

“I love this book not just because it made me laugh or because I learned that I feel the same way about certain people in politics as Chelsea does. I love this book because I feel like I finally really got to know Chelsea Handler after all these years. Thank you for sharing, Chelsea!”—Tiffany Haddish

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780525511786
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 04/09/2019
Sold by: Random House
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 7,547
File size: 20 MB
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About the Author

Chelsea Handler is a writer, comedian, producer, TV host, activist, and the author of five consecutive New York Times bestsellers. She hosted the late-night talk show Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014 and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. In 2016 and 2017, Handler hosted the talk show Chelsea on Netflix. She is at work on a documentary about white privilege that will be released by Netflix in 2019.

Read an Excerpt

Chaper 1

Where Have I Been All My Life

I don’t remember the actor, and I don’t remember the movie, but I remember it was five o’clock in the afternoon and I had just taken a couple hits off my vape pen. I needed to load my Pix account, which held pre-released movies that I was expected to screen before a star of one of the movies was a guest on my Netflix talk show. I was sitting on one of my overpriced chaise longues, the kind that celebrities and Russians purchase for their bedrooms, when I found myself once again unable to convert the TV that descends from the ceiling from Apple TV to Pix. Rich people have descending smart televisions. The idea is that they descend silently and gracefully from the ceiling, but because I am nouveau-riche rich, mine sounds more like a helicopter landing. I’d like to blame my inability to change the mode of my television to Pix on the fact that I was stoned, but that would be a lie; I’d be even less capable if I was sober.

I called my assistant Brandon at his house, to tell him to tell my other assistant, Tanner—who was downstairs in my house—to come upstairs and help me with the television. I hung up the phone. I looked down at the table and saw the vape pen. How many more hits of marijuana would I need to get through this movie?

I knew things had hit a new low—or high, depending on how you looked at the situation. I picked up the iPad that controls the TV along with everything else in my house—from the window shades to the exterior lights in my backyard, to my pulse, probably—and tried to pretend that I was troubleshooting, so that Tanner would think I had at least tried to figure it out on my own—as if that had ever happened before.

How did I become so useless? And how many assistants did I actually have? Answer: two. Brandon and Tanner. Brandon is gay and has an incredible attention to detail. Tanner is straight, and before he met me, he thought that the Four Seasons was a weather pattern. Before I met Tanner, I thought Venmo was an online liquor store.

Tanner was now upstairs standing behind the chaise I was sitting on. I wondered if he could smell the weed I’d just smoked, and if so, what did he think of me? Did he realize that most television hosts don’t even make the time to watch movies and TV shows to prepare for each of their upcoming guests? Did he understand that I was a consummate professional who went to great lengths to get ready for my show? Or did he think that I was just some rich, lucky, white bitch who continued to fall upward? No, that wasn’t quite right: I doubt he was thinking in terms of race. Two white people surely weren’t thinking about skin color. I was the one thinking that.

I didn’t want to watch another stupid f***ing movie that I didn’t care about. And I really didn’t want to interview another action star bloviating about his motivation for playing a half man, half mermaid. I just didn’t care, and I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by pretending that I did.

Did I ever care? The answer is yes. There was a time when all of this mattered to me. There was a time when being famous and having this kind of success and money and having a TV show was what drove me to want more and more and more, and now I found myself exhausted and ashamed by the meaninglessness of it all.

I remember coming home a couple of weeks before the 2016 election on a windy fall night—which for Los Angeles is rare. Anytime there’s weather in Los Angeles, even rain, it’s exciting—the constant sunshine can start to grate on your nerves. I went up to my bedroom, opened up my sliding glass doors, grabbed my vape pen, and turned on some Neil Young. I lay on my bed in the dark, watching the wind blow my bedroom drapes around, hearing the ruffling of the leaves, and watching the lanterns that hang from my backyard trees swinging into each other, thinking, If there’s an electrical fire, I hope the dogs will at least bark to wake me up, but overall, my thought was: This is f***ing awesome. This is exactly what I’d hoped adulthood would be.

No kids, no husband, no responsibilities—just a TV show on Netflix and whatever else I felt like doing, whenever I felt like doing it. Not trapped, not stuck, not dependent on a single person but myself—free to be you and me. I couldn’t believe how lucky my life had turned out, how many of my dreams had come true, and also my good fortune in being alive during this time in history—the year we were going to elect our first female president.

I suppose I could blame my state of mind on the election of Donald Trump—so I will. I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities and veneers to thank for my midlife crisis. Along with more than half the population—of the world—I couldn’t grasp how, in this day and age, we elected a man who insulted Mexicans and women and Muslims and veterans and disabled people and everyone else he has insulted since. The contrast in decency between Barack Obama and Donald Trump was too much for me to bear—like electing Snooki to the Senate. Now people were seriously talking about Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson running for president. How on earth did we get here? Although, if I’m being honest, at that point in time—or at any other time during the entire Trump presidency—I would have preferred an actual rock.

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Life Will Be the Death of Me: . . . and you too! 3.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 13 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous 5 months ago
I love all her books
Anonymous 9 months ago
Anonymous 10 months ago
Remember when comedians were funny? Remember when Chelsea was funny? I have read all her books, watched her shows, seen her live and cannot believe how unreal and elitist she has become. Just another celebrity blaming Donald Trump for....her promiscuity and drug abuse when she was a teenager? That he reminds her of her dad...? Ugh. I’m done with her
Jessica_Wendorf 11 months ago
I finished this audiobook in about a days time, but it has taken me over two weeks to process and really sit down and write this review. The information in the book isn’t overly complex, but I couldn’t decide if I liked the book or not. With that said, I would give the book 3 out of 5 stars. I should preface my review by saying that I have been a big fan of Chelsea Handler for the longest time…probably since the early days of Chelsea Lately. I have read two of her other books: Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. This book is nothing like those. Approximately the first half of the book detailed Chelsea essentially having a “midlife crisis,” if you can call it that. She goes into detail about how Donald Trump running and later becoming President really shook her to her core and was the key contributing factor in her reevaluating her life. She delves into the death of her brother, non-traditional upbringing in several aspects some of which include her mother being from Germany, and her detailed description of her father essentially being a poor version of Donald Trump. I was impressed with how detailed she was in regards to her feelings of rejection and how she believed it really started when she was 9 years old after her brother passed away. And how it just continued with her relationship with her parents, specifically, her father in regards to how she could never rely on him. A majority of these revelations are brought to light when she starts seeing a new therapist who really seems to help Chelsea understand things that she previously didn’t even consider. This book delves into privilege, race, politics, etc, all the while including some funny tidbits about her Cho Cho’s. Overall, I felt the story was well written, and the fact I listened to the audiobook, having Chelsea herself narrate the book was perfect! That said, this is definitely a more serious book which isn’t exactly what I was expecting. If you are a fan of Chelsea Handler, I would recommend this book. If you are looking for a funny, light-hearted, summer read, I would steer you towards My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Renwarsreads More than 1 year ago
This book was different from her others, which I read and loved! This one delves into her dysfunctional family, growing up with this family and her time seeing a therapist to try to figure out why nothing is making her happy anymore. I loved the stories about her dogs and the funny things that she writes about, but the sad things that she lived through were on the heavy side and I wasn't expecting this from her usually funny memoirs.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It made me laugh and cry. It was more real then her other books which I loved. You are so lucky you found a great therapist.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The best book yet. Chelsea’s voice is very clear and decisive. Congratulations!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Sad... If you are expecting the usual funny Chelsea Handler this is not it. It’s focused more on the death of her dad and her mother and her brother. As well as her therapy adventures which were not funny. This was not like her at all and I skipped some of the pages. I probably would not recommend this book and if I purchased a hardcopy I would return it. I wish I could get my money back. I am a huge fan of Chelsea handler and this was a great disappointment. Only a few funny parts
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Waste of time.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Chelsea is hilarious.... I wish she’d just write a book monthly to keep me laughing my arss off! Love her!!!