How to Survive the Loss of a Love

How to Survive the Loss of a Love


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This wonderfully inspiring book, with over 4 million copies in print, has helped generations of readers. A perfect gift item for any occasion of loss, this timeless masterpiece of instruction and understanding is, according to the New York Times, one of the most recommended books by clinical psychologists.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780931580437
Publisher: Prelude Press/Mary Books
Publication date: 11/01/1993
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 212
Sales rank: 19,597
Product dimensions: 4.20(w) x 6.90(h) x 0.50(d)

Read an Excerpt


I find
I lost.

Let's take a moment to view loss in the larger perspective. In nature, loss is an essential element of creation--the rose blossoms, the bud is lost; the plant sprouts, the seed is lost; the day begins, the night is lost. In all cases, loss sets the stage for further creation (or, more accurately, re-creation).

So it is in human life. It's hard to look back on any gain in life that does not have a loss attached to it.

With this firmly in mind we can examine the various losses in life. (Without this overview it tends to become awfully depressing.)


  • death of a loved one
  • break-up of an affair
  • separation
  • divorce
  • loss of job
  • loss of money
  • robbery
  • rape or other violent crime


  • moving
  • illness (loss of health)
  • chaning teachers, changing schools
  • success (the loss of striving)
  • loss of a cherished ideal
  • loss of a long term goal


  • childhood dreams
  • puppy love
  • crushes
  • adolescent romances
  • leaving school (dropping out or graduating)
  • leaving home
  • loss of "youth"
  • loss of "beauty"
  • loss of hair or teeth
  • loss of sexual drive (or worse, the drive remains but the ability falters)
  • menopause
  • retirement


(Is it on? Is it off? Is it a gain? Is it a loss?)
  • awaiting medical tests or reports on their outcome
  • a couple on the brink of divorce for the fourteenth time
  • a friend, spouse or relative "missing in action"
  • lovers, after any quarrel
  • a business transaction that may or may not fall through
  • a lawsuit
  • putting your house up for sale

Limbo losses often feel like this:

My life has fallen down
around me before
--lots of times,
for lots of reasons--
usually other people.

And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
to have a large lump of
that life hit me on the
head and render me numb
to the pain & desolation
that followed.
And I survived.
And I live to love again.

But this,
this slow erosion from below
--or within--
it's me falling down around my life
because you're still in that life
--but not really.
And you're out of that life
--but not quite.

I do all right
and better
I do very poorly

In solitude
I do much,
in love
I do more,
but vin doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay
stay away.

This series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bare.

The feeling of being "in limbo" is itself a loss. Even if the situation turns out fine (the veteran returns, the lover calls and again professes undying love, etc.), while in doubt that doubt is a loss and should be treated accordingly.

  • Realize that "not knowing" may be the worst torture of all.
  • When in limbo--and your better instincts tell you there's little hope--it's better to end the situation than to let it drag on and on.
  • Call or send in your formal notice of termination and get on with the business of surviving, healing and growing.

To give you up.

What bell of freedom
that rings within me.
No more waiting for
phone calls
that never came.
No more creative energy
in letters never mailed.
And, after awhilE,
no more insomnia,
no more insanity.
Some more happiness,
some more lifE.
All it took was giving you up.
And that took quite a bit.


There are inevitable losses--losses in which death or separation is imminent. When you recognize these in advance, it will help greatly to

  • Discuss your situation with the person who is leaving.
  • If you are the one who is leaving, talk it over with those who are being left.
  • Take part in making the decisions that must be made.
  • Let your wishes be known.


Temporary losses (lover on vacation, spouse in the service, son or daughter away at school, a slump in business)--even when we know the outcome will eventually be positive--are losses nonetheless.

Even success has built into it certain losses--the loss of a goal to strive for and the changes that are almost certainly part of success.

There are also innumerable "mini losses" that tend to add up during the course of a day, week, month or life. An unexpected dent in the car here, an argument with a friend there, and one can find oneself "inexplicably" depressed.

Each of these losses--immediate or cumulative, sudden or eventual, obvious or not--creates an emotional wound, an injury to the organism.


Along with the obvious feelings of pain, depression and sadness, there are other reactions to loss, such as

  • feeling helpless, fearful, empty, despairing, pessimistic, irritable, angry, guilty, restless
  • experiencing a loss of concentration, hope, motivation, energy
  • changes in appetite, sleep patterns or sexual drive
  • a tendency to be more fatigued, error-prone and slower in speech and movement

Any or all of these are to be expected during and after a loss. It's part of the body's natural healing process. Be with these changes; don't fight them. It's OK.

If you haven't had an obvious loss, and yet you relate strongly to a good number of these reactions, you may want to examine the recent past to see if a not-so-obvious loss--or a series of them--has taken place.

If so, you might want to follow a few of the suggestions given in this book. Your mind and body are already involved in the healing process.


  • Recovering from a loss takes place in three distinct--yet overlapping--stages.
  • They are: shock/denial/numbness, fear/anger/depression, understanding/acceptance/moving on
  • Each stage of recovery is: necessary, natural, a part of the healing process

the fear that I would
come home one day and
find you gone has turned
into the pain of the

"What will I do if it happens?"
I would ask myself.

What will I do
now that it

The first stage of recovery is shock/denial/ numbness.

  • We cannot believe or comprehend what has happened to us.
  • The mind denies the loss.
  • Often the first words uttered after hearing of a loss are, "What?" or "Oh, no."
  • We forget that a loss has taken place, and find ourselves stunned each time we remember again. (This is especially true after awakening from sleep.)
  • Meanwhile, the body's natural protection against intense pain--shock and numbness--is activated.

we wake & snuggle.
a phone call, california beckons.
the airport, a brutal good(?)bye.
o my god. o my god. o my god.
mourning. again.

I know it was time for us
to part,

but today?

I know I had much pain to
go through,

but tonight


The second stage of recovery is fear/anger/ depression.

  • Fear, anger and depression are emotions and reactions most often associated with loss.

it rained.
I vloved.
I lost.

What do I do
now that you're gone?

Well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile,
nothing moving
inside or out.

Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel

I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Interesting pastime.

And finally, understanding/acceptance/moving on.

  • We have survived.
  • Our body is well on the way to healing.
  • Our mind accepts that life without what was lost is possible.
  • We move on to a new chapter of our life.

the sun will rise
in a few minutes.

it's been doing it
for as long as I
can remember.

maybe I should
pin my hopes
on important,
but often
like that,

not on such relatively
trivial matters as
whether you will ever
love me
or not

I must conquer my loneliness


I must be happy with myself
or I have
to offer.

Two halves have
little choice
but to
and yes,
they do
make a

but two
when they coincide...

that is

that is

We go through the three staes of recovery no matter what we lose.

Loss is loss, no matter what the cause. When someone or something we love is taken from us or denied us, that is a loss. The only difference in recovering from one loss or another is the intensity of feeling and the duration of the healing process. The greater our loss,

  • the more intensely we feel each of the stages of recovery
  • the longer it takes to pass from one stage to another

With small losses, the three stages of recovery can be moved through in minutes. For large losses, it can take years. The body, mind and emotions have enormous wisdom. They know how to heal themselves, and the amount of time they will need to do it. Give them what they need to heal. Trust in the process of recovery.

Reprinted from How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams. Copyright © 1993 by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

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How to Survive the Loss of a Love 4.6 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 42 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a gentle, very helpful book when one experiences a loss of any kind. It is especially good insight for those of us who have lost a loved one through death or divorce. It even has suggestions for people who lose a home or job. It is beautiflly written in a poetry form and addresses the hurt and fears that one has with loss. As a mental health counselor, I recommend this book often.
DEM3 More than 1 year ago
This is a quick read and something that when you are going through a loss you don't have time to spend reading a lot. It goes through all the emotions that you feel. I keep several copies on hand to give to others who may be going through difficult times, whether a divorce, death or other types of losses.
nehalemn on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I LOVE this book. The poems are inspiring.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I found this book at a used book sale, and was greatly helped during the earliest years of my healing from divorce.  I have given it to several friends following loss.  The poetry can help, and simple, short chapters.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love this book , it helped me at a very difficult time in my life , I have give it as gifts and have always told it was a wonderful gift .
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I have used this book in counseling sessions and the feedback that I've received has been positive and helpful.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read several reviews from ones who suffered from the great deeper losses, such as the death of a child and divorce. I have experienced both and I'm so sorry for the readers that have had to go through these experiences. The book is meant to be used as a tool to help us "get through" and not meant for counseling needed for extreme loss. I gift the book to people instead of getting a card. It costs almost the same but offers so much more! And then it can be re-gifted to another to be of help when it is no longer needed. It is a wonderful little gift book!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Going through separation and divorce has been without a doubt the most horrific experience I've ever have to go through in all my 40 years of life. No words to describe it. This book has certainly help me get through this dark time. It describes in a step-by-step and down-to-earth fashion the road to recovery. Each step is also complemented very nicely by short lovely poems describing the emotional state felt at each step in the process.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This a book for every time that your heart has broken or if you have ever been the one left behind. It will make a world of difference in your life. I'd also recommend that you buy "When God Stopped Keeping Score." It is an intimate look at the power of God and forgiveness and one that everyone deserves to read. Buy it and find out why for yourself.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Yelof More than 1 year ago
This book was the most helpful to me when my husband passed away. I believe the reason being that you could read one page at a time and get some solace. What was amazing to me was I was able to identify with so many of the feelings I was experiencing. I was able to pick up the book and open to any page and receive some hope and peace. I have purchased many of these books for friends who have lost a love one and their response to it has been much like mine.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
mrjnj More than 1 year ago
I originally received this book in 1979 while going through a divorce. It was amazing how the book took me through my feelings of loss and of feeling alone even though I had children, family and friends. The loss was tragic for me. I again brought out the book when my Grandma died and reading it at that time was different but still just what I needed. When my Dad died I purchased a new book and continued to be amazed how the authors new exactly what I was going through and how I was feeling. Since then I have purchased several books and have given them as gifts to my friends and family with a note explaining how much this book meant to me at a time I needed it. Each person was greatful for this gift.
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Lodi More than 1 year ago
I have the orignal book that was by Peter McWilliams himself. I bought the book around 1973 or so. It was most helpful to me because I was going through a divorce. Also, helpful when one loses a loved one from death.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Simply the best support system I ever had, always there and always thoughtful, compassionate and empathetic. THANK YOU for writing from the heart and being real. Thank you Dr.Stephen Alkus for making me glance at a page or two.
Guest More than 1 year ago
As a clinical therapist, I keep this book on the shelf for clients newly entering the grieving process particularly where the loss of a spouse or significant other is concerned. Responding to the first post, 'Benji', this book is not for what you are experiencing. You are feeling what might be termed 'complicated grief'. A professional counselor might be able to help you sort out the issues that have hindered your healing process.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I went through the death of my 5 month old son & a divorce in less than a years time. I never learned to deal with my feelings & just suppressed them. Around 20 years later it turned into a major depression. I thought this book would help me heal with the lose of my son, & deal with the rejection from my divorce. It didn't help with either. I would have liked more information & they should have left out the poems or sayings--on every other page. I felt it was a real waste of time & money. IF you do purchase the book, buy it used (to save some money).
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book has helped me through my first break up in high school to the death of my father and later that of my beloved cat. I gave it to a friend surviving a divorce and she thanks me often. This book provides the emotional tools to survive all forms of loss. This is one of my most treasured items!!!