Naughty children were never funnier than the young rowdies of these Cautionary Tales. In rhyming couplets, accompanied by hilarious drawings, a celebrated wit recounts the perilous consequences of telling lies, slamming doors, and playing with guns. Bad Child's Book of Beasts, an illustrated A-to-Z bestiary with droll observations on wildlife, features a series of droll observations on wildlife.
The Polar Bear is unaware
Of cold that cuts me through
For why? He has a coat of hair.
I wish I had one too!
A prolific author whose interests ranged from politics and religion to travel and poetry, Hilaire Belloc wrote these classics at the turn of the twentieth century. Generations of readers of all ages have adored their amusing advice on juvenile manners and their jolly parodies of Victorian attitudes.
About the Author
A close friend of G. K. Chesterton's, Hilaire Belloc was a prolific author whose works include biography, essays, travelogues, and verse.
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Cautionary Tales & Bad Child's Book of Beasts
By Hilaire Belloc, B.T.B.
Dover Publications, Inc.Copyright © 2008 Dover Publications, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Jim,Who ran away from his Nurse, and was eaten by a Lion.
There was a Boy whose name was Jim;
His Friends were very good to him.
They gave him Tea, and Cakes, and Jam,
And slices of delicious Ham,
And Chocolate with pink inside,
And little Tricycles to ride,
read him Stories through and through,
And even took him to the Zoo—
But there it was the dreadful Fate
Befell him, which I now relate.
You know—at least you ought to know,
For I have often told you so—
That Children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a Crowd;
Now this was Jim's especial Foible,
He ran away when he was able,
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn't gone a yard when—
With open Jaws, a Lion sprang,
And hungrily began to eat
The Boy: beginning at his feet.
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels,
And then by gradual degrees,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit.
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted "Hi!"
The Honest Keeper heard his cry,
Though very fat
he almost ran
To help the little gentleman.
"Ponto!" he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion's name),
"Ponto!" he cried.
with angry Frown.
"Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!"
The Lion made a sudden Stop,
He let the Dainty Morsel drop,
And slunk reluctant to his Cage,
Snarling with Disappointed Rage
But when he bent him over Jim,
The Honest Keeper's
Eyes were dim
The Lion having reached his Head,
The Miserable Boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his Parents, they
Were more Concerned than I can say:—
His Mother, as She dried her eyes,
Said, "Well—it gives me no surprise,
He would not do as he was told!"
His Father, who was self-controlled,
Bade all the children round attend
To James' miserable end,
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse
Henry King,Who chewed bits of String, and was early cut off in Dreadful Agonies.
The Chief Defect of Henry King
chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
Itself in ugly Knots inside.
Physicians of the Utmost Fame
Were called at once; but when they came
as they took their Fees,
"There is no Cure for this Disease.
Henry will very soon be dead."
His Parents stood about his Bed
Lamenting his Untimely Death,
When Henry, with his Latest Breath,
"Oh, my Friends, be warned by me,
That Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires ..."
With that the Wretched Child expires.
Matilda,Who told Lies, and was Burned to Death.
Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,
It made one Gasp and Stretch one's Eyes;
Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
Attempted to Believe Matilda:
The effort very nearly killed her,
And would have done so, had not She
Discovered this Infirmity.
For once, towards the Close of Day,
Matilda, growing tired of play,
And finding she was left alone,
And summoned the Immediate Aid
Of London's Noble Fire-Brigade.
Within an hour the Gallant Band
Were pouring in on every hand,
From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,
With Courage high and Hearts a-glow
They galloped, roaring through the Town,
"Matilda's House is Burning Down!"
Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House,
Until Matilda's Aunt succeeded
In showing them they were not needed
And even then she had to pay
To get the Men to go away!
* * *
It happened that a few Weeks later
Her Aunt was off to the Theatre
To see that Interesting Play
The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
She had refused to take her Niece
To hear this Entertaining Piece:
A Deprivation Just and Wise
To Punish her for Telling Lies.
That Night a Fire did break out—
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
And throw the window up and call
To People passing in the Street—
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence)—but all in vain!
For every time She shouted "Fire!"
They only answered "Little Liar!"
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
Matilda, and the House, were Burned.
Franklin Hyde,Who caroused in the Dirt and was corrected by His Uncle.
His Uncle came on Franklin Hyde
Carousing in the Dirt.
He Shook him hard from Side to Side
Hit him till it Hurt,
Exclaiming, with a Final Thud,
that! Abandoned Boy!
For Playing with Disgusting Mud
As though it were a Toy!"
From Franklin Hyde's adventure, learn
To pass your Leisure Time
In Cleanly Merriment, and turn
From Mud and Ooze and Slime
And every form of Nastiness—
But, on the other Hand,
Children in ordinary Dress
May always play with Sand.
Godolphin Horne,Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride, and Became a Boot-Black.
Godolphin Horne was Nobly Born;
He held the Human Race in Scorn,
And lived with all his Sisters where
His father lived, in Berkeley Square.
And oh! the Lad was Deathly Proud!
He never shook your Hand or Bowed,
But merely smirked and nodded
How perfectly ridiculous!
Alas! That such Affected Tricks
Should flourish in a Child of Six!
(For such was Young Godolphin's age).
Just then, the Court required a Page,
the Lord High Chamberlain
(The Kindest and the Best of Men),
He went good-naturedly and
A Perfectly Enormous Book
Called People Qualified to Be
Attendant on His Majesty,
And murmured, as he scanned the list
(To see that no one should be missed),
William Coutts has got the Flue,
And Billy Higgs would never do,
de Vere is far too young,
And ... wasn't D'Alton's Father hung?
And as for Alexander Byng — ...
I think I know the kind of thing,
A Churchman, cleanly, nobly born,
let us say Godolphin Horne?"
But hardly had he said the word
When Murmurs of Dissent were heard.
The King of Iceland's Eldest Son
Said, "Thank you! I am taking none!"
The Aged Duchess of Athlone
Remarked, in her sub-acid tone,
"I doubt if He is what we need!"
With which the Bishops all agreed;
And even Lady Mary Flood
(So Kind, and oh! so really good)
Said, "No! He wouldn't do at all,
He'd make us feel a lot too small."
The Chamberlain said,
"... ell, well, well!
No doubt you're right.... One cannot tell!"
He took his Gold and Diamond Pen
Scratched Godolphin out again.
So now Godolphin is the Boy
Who blacks the Boots at the Savoy.
Excerpted from Cautionary Tales & Bad Child's Book of Beasts by Hilaire Belloc, B.T.B.. Copyright © 2008 Dover Publications, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of Dover Publications, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Cautionary Tales for Children
Jim, Who ran away from his Nurse, and was eaten by a Lion
Henry King, Who chewed bits of String, and was early cut off in Dreadful Agonies
Matilda, Who told Lies, and was Burned to Death
Franklin Hyde, Who caroused in the Dirt and was corrected by his Uncle
Godolphin Horne, Who was cursed with the Sin of Pride, and Became a Boot-Black
Algernon, Who played with a Loaded Gun, and, on missing his Sister, was reprimanded by his Father
Hildebrand, Who was frightened by a Passing Motor, and was brought to Reason
Lord Lundy, Who was too Freely Moved to Tears, and thereby ruined his Political Career
Lord Lundy (Second Canto)
Rebecca, Who slammed Doors for Fun and Perished Miserably
George, Who played with a Dangerous Toy, and suffered a Catastrophe of considerable Dimensions
Charles Augustus Fortescue, Who always Did what was Right, and so accumulated an Immense Fortune
The Bad Child's Book of Beasts
The Polar Bear
The Learned Fish
The Big Baboon