The Average American Male

The Average American Male

by Chad Kultgen


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“I can’t figure out if this book is a heart-felt dispatch from the front line in the battle of the sexes or a brilliant send-up of the way in which the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists. I suspect it may be both.” --Toby Young, New York Times bestselling author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

An offensive, in-your-face, brutally honest and completely hilarious look at male inner life and sexual fantasy. In the course of this hilariously honest book, our narrator suffers through a relationship with his vapid wannabe-actress girlfriend until he finds the perfect girl. But when he moves into the new relationship, he slowly learns that all women are pretty much the same, that man's true desires will never be fulfilled, and the decision between living life alone or biting the marriage bullet must be made.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780594795117
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 03/13/2007
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 161,167
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.02(h) x 0.63(d)

About the Author

Chad Kultgen is a graduate of the USC School of Cinematic Arts. His novels include The Average American Male, The Average American Marriage, The Lie, and Men, Women & Children, the basis of a feature film by Jason Reitman. He lives in California.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Christmas with Mom and Dad

Same old bullshit.

Chapter Two

The Flight Back to L.A.

It's two days after Christmas. I'm in Denver International Airport watching this old fat bitch eat a cup of yogurt. My blood is boiling.

She has this weird little baby spoon, and these leathery fucking jowls, and this twitchy mouth, and her little tongue keeps jerking around to lick this shit off her lips—it's really fucking disgusting me. But even more disgusting to me is the fact that her mouth has had cocks in it. I wonder what it is, other than age, that turns a mouth a man would want to put his cock in into a twitching hole getting yogurt shoveled into it with a baby spoon.

At some point in this old cunt's life some guy was paying for her dinner, buying her presents, and being as nice and romantic as possible just so he could put his cock in that disgusting fucking hole.

On the plane—

There's a girl sitting next to me with red hair and perfect rock-hard C cups. She can't be more than nineteen and I'd love to know her name so I could see if it fits. I don't ask her even though she'd probably tell me, and it might even lead to a full-on conversation, which might lead to something else, like getting her number or taking her out to dinner. Instead, I just lean back, get a big whiff of her shampoo, and wonder if she could ever possibly know that I'll think about her for the next few weeks every time I jerk off. Probably not.

And I'm out like a light.

I'm still in a weird kind of dream when I get off the plane at LAX so I'm not sure if Trent Reznor walks past me at the Delta baggage claim. I am sure thatthe redhead is standing by me, and even though I don't have any bags to wait for, she does, so I pretend to.

I look at her luggage tag when she picks up her suitcase. Alyna Janson. It fits.

Satisfied, I go wait for twenty minutes to pay twenty dollars to ride a SuperShuttle back to my apartment in Westwood. Coincidentally enough, Alyna gets on the same SuperShuttle and tells the driver she's going to UCLA, two blocks from my house.

I stare at her without her knowing or caring until we get to her stop. When she gets out I don't make any effort to move out of her way, so she has to brush me with her ass, and she has a nice fucking ass.

When I get off the bus at my own stop I'm glad I never talked to Alyna. When I walk through my front door I wish I had. When I hit my bed, I'm glad I have a girlfriend I can fuck on a regular basis. When I wake up the next morning to a phone call begging me to spend my last days off going to the gym and shopping at Century City with her, I wish I didn't.

The Average American Male
A Novel
. Copyright © by Chad Kultgen. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

What People are Saying About This

Toby Young

“[A] brilliant send-up of the way ...the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists.”

Josh Kilmer-Purcell

“It’s so primal, so dangerous, it might be the most ingenious book I’ve ever read.”

Customer Reviews

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The Average American Male 3.9 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 122 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Two stars go to the publisher for actually spending more than five minutes on this POC. I read the sample in about fifteen minutes and wondered: does this guy work? All he does is jerk off. And he wonders why he never got the hot chicks in high school. Chances are this dude is one dorky guy and thought he could publish his diary. Well, the price is right I suppose. It's more a waste of time than money at this point. If I was a guy I don't think I would want this writer representing my life as a man. If this is the average american male, I'm better off with another woman, y'know?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read this book because I really enjoyed "My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me" by Hilary Winston (known as Casey in this story). I will admit that this novel was entertaining at first, but the plot just gets repetitive and boring.
Trent Purdy More than 1 year ago
Full of twists, laughs, and sex. Very well written with its own great style.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I found this book depressing. A few funny OMG moments, but for the most part just sad.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book using some of the most offensive, degrading language towards females I have ever read. As a woman, I found it entertaining and hilarious. I was somehow rooting for the main character (whose name is not revealed) even though he was, to put it bluntly, such a selfish jerk. Very amusing read, but definitely not for anyone looking for a heartwarming, happy ending.
Guest More than 1 year ago
If you're an open-minded individual who can laugh at anything, then this is the book for you. I am a female who is used to hanging out with the guys. I'm used to their 'language' and their thoughts and I'm very used to them voicing them. This book was hilarious. Wonderful insight to the male mind, which (no offense guys) isn't so far off from what us girls have thought all along. Definitely shocking but entertaining nontheless. Highly recommend it, but only if you aren't the type to get your panties in a bunch.
kkfmguy2 More than 1 year ago
Kultgen has broken the "guy code" by revealing how men think (no matter how vociferously they deny it to their wives or girlfriends)...
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I could not put this book down. Absolutely amazing.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is definitly in the grey area. While it's certainly easy to dismiss this book right away, when you're introduced to this random douche who hates pretty much everyone and everything for no apparent reason. If you decide to keep going, you begin see things unravel. The humor is crude and the characters are shallow but that's because it's set in a culture that's crude and shallow. Eventually you start to discover is you're following a fraustrated guy who is constantly trapped between his own simple base needs and being forced into life decisions he's not ready for because of those simple base needs. And then the ending... :(
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Who gave this guy a book deal?
Guest More than 1 year ago
Existentialism for the 21st century. This book has almost no literary or artistic content whatsoever, which gives it a depth that eludes modern authors who try to artificially inject meaning using clever literary tricks.
Guest More than 1 year ago
When I first started reading this book, I was shocked by the language and content. Once I grew accustomed to it, I looked at the story for what it really was: a guy's point of view uncensored. I don't think it's really a question about whether every guy thinks like this because that's irrelevant. Most importantly, the narrator is practically still the same guy at the end as he was at the beginning, no matter what he goes through. About 98% the same. It's an atypical read for me because I'm accustomed to female writers, but I highly recommend it females too.
ClarkP More than 1 year ago
This book is fantastic. I was laughing the whole way through. The title says it all, this book really is about the average American male. I could not put this book down. BUY THIS BOOK!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Very entertaining and easy to read. This is a tale of relationships and sex that most men will find hysterical--and something most men will relate to, whether they admit it or not. Just try to put it down!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Hilarious book! Its a short read, finished it in about a day, but I could not put it down! I think most guys can relate to a lot of what the author is trying to get across.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The publishing company should reimburse my money and the author should pay me for reading this piece of crap. I pushed through thinking surely it would get better since so many people gave it good reviews and I'm sorry I did. What a huge waste of time and money. I am NOT easily offended and really I don't think offended is the right word, disgusted, repulsed and quite frankly if this is the average American male I feel sorry for men. It must be difficult to be so shallow, self centered and just plain mean. And let's not even mention his obsession with masturbation.....good Lord dude leave your winkie alone. Uggggg what a waste of money!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The author holds no punches in his portrayal of the young american male psyche. For good or I'll there are many young men that think like the character in this book
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Weaker version of Tucker Max's writing style..... and less funny
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Have a feeling people will either love or hate this- it's crude at times and demeaning to women. But at the same time it's a great satire on the avg american male.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
First off, I am a girl, so men, take what I have to say with a grain of salt. I was expecting something different, the book started off very "Tucker Max" but developed into a shady memoir with a moot end. I thought it was generally entertaining, but not totally awesome.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was amazing!! I haven't read anthing like it. Its omg dirty, laugh out loud funny and most of all a page turner!!!! I reccomend everyone to read it!!!! Probably not great for kids but mid teens and up!! It might offend some women but for those that are not easily offended. A must read tho :) it also has a few gay slurs but i was not offended by it. Im looking foward to reading more books by this author!!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is definitely not for 95% of the female populace; the women could NOT handle how the Average American male mind often thinks, especially when emotionally and/or sexually frustrated. Otherwise, it is almost like looking into a mirror for a great number of males.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I havent read a book this honest in a while. All womens romance novels portray guys in a way they will never be. Even though as a woman i would like to believe that im different its still the most honest, entertaining book ive ever read. I hope he writes more books.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I feel weird about how much I enjoyed reading this book. It's irreverent, shameless and downright dirty at times but I couldn't put it down. It had me laughing out loud and dropped my jaw on a few pages. This guy writes without censor and you love him for it, despite the fact that the character comes across like a total dick. Do guys really think about sex this much? And the it that constant? Fascinating look into the mind of a guy. Makes me want to read more from him. *Not for the easily offended.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
What really happens in relationships between a men and women is brought to light, and given its well deserved due, in this brutally honest and revitingly sexual portrait of the post modern society we live in today. Universal in its scope and well written, this modern novel will provoke your thoughts, tickle your funny bone, titalate your libido and ultimately enlighten your undestanding of human behavior. An entertaining and extraordinary read!