Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim Series #3)

Aloha from Hell (Sandman Slim Series #3)

by Richard Kadrey

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Overview

“Richard Kadrey is a genius.”
 —Holly Black

“Sandman Slim is my kind of hero.”
 —Kim Harrison

All hail Sandman Slim, author Richard Kadrey’s ultra-extreme anti-hero and recent escapee from Lucifer’s overheated Underworld playground. Legendary author William Gibson (Neuromancer) called Kadrey’s first deliciously twisted Slim adventure “an addictively satisfying, deeply amusing, dirty-ass masterpiece,” and in number three, Aloha from Hell, the ruthless avenger, a.k.a. Stark, finds himself trapped in the middle of a war between Heaven and Hell. With God on vacation, the Devil nosing around in Paradise, and an insane serial killer doing serious damage on Earth, Stark/Slim is ready to unleash some more adrenaline-surging, edgy and violent supernatural mayhem—and even pay another visit to Hell if necessary—which is great news for fans of Jim Butcher, Warren Ellis, Charlaine Harris, Kim Harrison, and Simon R. Green.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780061714337
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 07/29/2014
Series: Sandman Slim Series , #3
Pages: 464
Sales rank: 107,531
Product dimensions: 5.08(w) x 6.96(h) x 1.08(d)

About the Author

Richard Kadrey is the New York Times bestselling author of the Sandman Slim supernatural noir books. Sandman Slim was included in Amazon’s “100 Science Fiction & Fantasy Books to Read in a Lifetime,” and is in development as a feature film. Some of his other books include The Wrong Dead Guy, The Everything Box, Metrophage, and Butcher Bird. He also writes the Vertigo comic Lucifer.

Read an Excerpt

Aloha from Hell


By Richard Kadrey

HarperCollins Publishers

Copyright © 2012 Richard Kadrey
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-06-171433-7


Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

"Tell me," says the Frenchman. "How long has it been since you last killed anything?"

He's fucking with me. He knows the answer, but he wants to make me say it. Father Vidocq taking confession.

"I don't know. What time is it?"

"That long, then?"

I shrug.

Vidocq and I are in a very dark room in a very large house full of very fashionable furniture and we're stealing something very valuable. I have no idea what and pretty much don't care. It's just nice to be hanging out and doing some crimes with the old man. Crimes where no one ends up zombie meat, shot, or annoyingly decapitated.

"It's been a while," I say. "Six. Eight weeks. Somewhere around there."

I slipped us into the house through a shadow. Vidocq is working on the wall safe. He's good with safes. He's had over a hundred years of practice.

"So, no crusades? No great wrongs that need to be righted?"

I reach into my pocket for a cigarette, then remember there might be smoke alarms.

"Nothing worth killing for. I'm no cop. The Sub Rosa has their own Mod Squad to deal with the small stuff."

I like watching Vidocq work over a safe. He has hands like a surgeon. Nimble. Precise. He could thread a needle while being shot out of a cannon.

"Incroyable. Perhaps you're reaching something of a rapprochement with your angelic half and it's having a moderating effect on your disposition."

Right. I'm part angel. Half, if you want to get picky about it. It's great. A halo and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee in L.A.

"Maybe. The angel screams at me sometimes, mostly at night when I'm tired and he can ambush me with one of his Give-Peace-a-Chance, no-smoking, veggie-bacon sermons. But he isn't trying to run the show single-handed anymore. We reached a kind of MAD pact the other day."

Vidocq looks at me.

"MAD?"

"Mutually Assured Destruction. I told him that if he ever tried to push me out of my brain and turn me into a clean living choirboy again, I'd have to do something, you know, unreasonable."

"Such as?"

"I told him I'd get hammered and go through the Room of Thirteen Doors to the Pearly Gates. Then I'd find the Archangel Gabriel and thunderbolt-kick him in the cojones in front of all the other angels."

"Whereupon the other angels would draw their swords and kill you."

"Exactly. Mutually Assured Destruction."

"That sounds much more like the old you."

"Thanks."

Technically, I'm what you call a "nephilim." Half human, half angel. And I'm the only one. The others are all dead. Suicides mostly. Some people call my type freaks. If you're one of heaven's lapdogs, you'll probably call me "Abomination." I say, call me either of those things to my face and you'll get to see what your lungs look like as throw pillows.

The angel half of me got shaken loose a while back when a High Plains Drifter—that's "zombie" to you—bit a chunk out of my hand. The human half of me almost died and the angel half thought that was its chance to take over. It was for a while, but then I got my strength back and I locked the angel upstairs in the attic like Joan Crawford in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?". It still bangs on the door and shouts, but I've learned to ignore it most of the time. Some of the time. It depends on the day.

Vidocq goes back to work on the safe. Over his clothes, he's wearing a tailored gray gabardine greatcoat. Looks like his girlfriend Allegra's been dressing him again. He looks like the doorman at a speakeasy in the Kremlin. The greatcoat tinkles gently when he moves, like he's smuggling wind chimes. The sound of the hundred or so little potion bottles he has sewn into the coat's lining. I have my guns, my knife, and na'at. Vidocq has his potions.

"What exactly are we stealing?" I ask.

"A golden brooch or device in the shape of a scarab. It's quite ancient. There is a clockwork mechanism inside. Perhaps it's God's pocket watch."

"He doesn't need a watch. He needs a compass so he can find his own ass."

There's a click and the front of the safe swings open. Vidocq moves his hands in a graceful TV-spokesmodel arc in front of the safe.

"Et voilà."

"You are the man, Van Damme."

He squints at me.

"Jean-Claude Van Damme is Belgian, not French."

"There's a difference?"

"Fuck you."

I like how Vidocq pronounces "fuck": "fock."

He whispers, "C'est quoi, ça?"

"Anything wrong?"

"No. It's very interesting. The owner of this safe is a very paranoid man. The inside is etched with spells and runes."

"Can you still get the swag?"

He flashes a small LED light around the inside of the safe. "I don't see anything in here that should stop us. They mostly seem to be containment spells. He must have been afraid of this shiny scarab walking away."

He reaches into the safe and pulls out a polished ebony box the size of a cigar box and pushes up the lid. A beautiful gold scarab lies on blood red silk. He hands me the box and begins packing his tools. I slip it into my coat pocket. I say, "I have to admit, it doesn't feel bad, but it feels a little weird not raising a hand in anger this long. I can pretty much just talk humans and Lurkers out of doing stupid shit to each other these days."

"See?" he says from the floor. "By embracing your angelic half, the mere force of your personality is enough to keep the peace."

"I think killing all zombies in the world in one night helps."

"Yes, that could be a factor."

"And Lucifer and the Vigil aren't around paying me to be a hit man rent-boy bitch."

Vidocq scrolls his gear into a leather tool roll and stands up. I ask him, "Are we cool?"

He smiles and says, "As the North Star on Christmas Eve.

But we aren't quite done."

He takes two potion bottles from inside his coat and pours their contents onto the floor where we were standing and on the safe door, trying to shampoo away any magic or forensic dandruff that might lead back to us. When he tosses the contents of a third bottle into the safe, I hear the scratching.

"You heard?" he asks.

"Get out of the way, Eugène."

He doesn't. Vidocq has a scientific mind. Instead of getting out of the way, he looks inside the safe.

It wouldn't be my fault if the back of his stupid French skull blew out like a five-dollar retread, but I pull Vidocq out of the way just before the demon cannonballs out of the safe and hits the far wall.

The demon's carapace gleams like blue-black gun steel. The big bug doesn't have eyes, just two sets of jaws at an angle to each other and two huge hooked front claws. The moment it hits the wall, it starts tunneling through it. That's what this particular type of demon does. It's a digger. A greed demon. It'll protect anything it thinks it owns. Like the contents of a safe. It's why the safe had containment spells on the interior. To keep the demon inside. Smart. Your basic bad guys—us, for instance—will maybe test for eaters, but who's going to worry about a brainless digger until it's excavating the Panama Canal through your intestines?

Vidocq bumps against the desk when I pull him to his feet. The digger freezes and turns. It's blind but it has great hearing. I can slow my heart and breathing, but in a few seconds the demon's going to zero in on Vidocq. I step back from him, leaving him exposed to the digger. He turns and looks at me with wide horrified eyes.

Sorry, man. This is how it has to be.

The digger turns. It has Vidocq's heartbeat. It hooks its two huge digging claws into the wall and uses them to sling-shot forward. A metallic blur, four glittering jaws, and arm size hooks going right for the old man's chest. He doesn't look at it. He never takes his eyes off me.

As the digger's body blurs across the desk, I whip the na'at out. Twist the grip out from the body into a hair-thin serrated whipsaw.

The digger hits the na'at like a meteor with teeth. I twist the na'at's cutting edge into its body and the bug splits in two lengthwise. The halves come apart and smash into the wall on either side of Vidocq, embedding themselves deep into the wood and plaster.

Vidocq swivels his head, checking out the giant insect shanks that flank him.

I say, "What do you know? I do remember how to kill things. Good news for our side."

"Fuck you, boy."

An alarm goes off when a naked fat man kicks open the office door. I'm going to roll the dice and guess he's the home owner. He points an exquisitely made-over-and-under shotgun gun at us. It might even be a Tullio Fabbri. A hundred and seventy-five grand worth of etched steel with a carved walnut stock and accurate as a cruise missile. I'm almost tempted to ask him, but his pupils are dilated and I smell the excitement in his sweat because he thinks he's finally going to get to use that Fort Knox popgun on actual human beings.

Through the angel's senses I hear the infinitesimal scrape of metal over lubricated metal as the fat man applies pressure to the shotgun's trigger. I grab Vidocq in a bear hug and jump through the window just as the gun goes off.

Davy Crockett here isn't Sub Rosa, but he must know some because he has an anti-magic cloak over his house and the grounds outside. What that means is no one's supposed to be able to throw any hoodoo or hexes around here. Whoever built the cloak probably pegged him for a mark right off. I figure they got him to pay a bonus to build it big enough to cover the whole estate, the perfect way to turn a cloak into something as reliable as a marshmallow condom. Antimagic shields are powerful things when you do them right, and part of that's knowing they can only be so big. Blow them up too much and the skin stretches thin. Keep blowing and they can pop right out of existence. That's what Davy the Rube paid for: a one-hundred-thousand-dollar soap bubble.

The cloak is stretched so thin I can throw all kinds of hoodoo in here. Like when we climbed the fence onto the grounds, I could take us into the house through the Room of Thirteen Doors. But I can't get us off the grounds that way. Of course, I could have used some hoodoo to wrap Davy Crockett's shotgun around his neck like a mink stole and swung him around like a carousel pony while I shot the shit out of his office, but I didn't do any of that. Someone else might think that would earn them karma points down the line, but I know better. Karma is just loaded dice on a crooked table. Celestial pricks with wings and halos make the rules and the house always wins. Always.

So Vidocq and I are falling. Tinkling glass falls with us like razor-blade snowflakes.

When you're jumping two floors with a civilian whose broken bones won't heal overnight like your own, you need to remember a couple of things. One, cushion the fall as much as you can, and two, be prepared to use your body as an air bag. That means controlling the fall enough so the other, usually extremely startled, person lands on top of you. Does it hurt? Go outside, get a friend to drop a garbage can full of bacon fat on your chest, and see.

Trying to control a fall is no tea party when you're holding on to someone who's thrashing around like a Tasered octopus. But it's not impossible. The trick is to grab them just under the ribs and squeeze so they can't breathe. Then you let go just as you hit the ground so they breathe out hard when they hit. It helps absorb the shock, though it still hurts. Especially if you're the one on the bottom.

There's a tree below Davy's window. I aim for it, rolling us into the branches, hoping it'll slow our fall a little. It does. Coming down into the hedges helps, too. We still have some momentum to burn off, so I keep rolling and we end up on the lawn that Davy was kind enough to lay out with fresh soft sod in the last few days. Thanks, man. I'll send you a honey-baked ham for Christmas.

I pull Vidocq to his feet and we run for the wall like a couple of spooked raccoons. I look back over my shoulder and Davy is standing in the broken window with the shotgun at his shoulder. Wishful thinking. We're too far away for him to hit anything but the air.

Don't sweat it, Davy. Vidocq and I aren't going to touch your safe or wreck your office again. But I might have to come back some night for that Tullio Fabbri and you can try to shoot me with something else. I am in severe need of some- thing like that. It's so quiet and peaceful out here I'm getting bored with breathing. Maybe we'll get lucky and the world will go to Hell again. Fingers crossed.
(Continues...)


Excerpted from Aloha from Hell by Richard Kadrey. Copyright © 2012 by Richard Kadrey. Excerpted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

What People are Saying About This

Kim Harrison

“Nicotine and octane in equal parts might come close to the high-energy buzz from Richard Kadrey’s Sandman Slim. Crisp world building, recognizable and fully-realized characters, and a refreshingly unique storytelling style make for an absorbing read.Sandman Slim is my kind of hero.”

John Scalzi

“Richard Kadrey’s ‘Sandman Slim’ series is one of my favorite sets of fantasy books from the last few years…”

Charlaine Harris

“If Simon R. Green wrote an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter, it would read much like Sandman Slimviolent, vivid, non-stop action of the supernatural kind. I couldn’t put it down.”

Robin McKinley

“Dirty, disgusting, vulgar, violent, poisonously testosterone-driven, so politically incorrect it ought to be prosecuted, and generally all-round offensively in your face. … I loved it. It’s amazing.”

Charles de Lint

“Kadrey knows how to spin a story, his prose is crisp and effortless, and the entertainment value is high.”

Paul Goat Allen

“If authors were tarot cards, Richard Kadrey would unarguably be the Hierophant of Paranormal Fantasy.”

Holly Black

Sandman Slim is one of the best books I have read in a very, very long while. Richard Kadrey is a genius. I read it on the plane ride home and was totally blown away.”

Cory Doctorow

“The most hard-boiled piece of supernatural fiction I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. … all confident and energetic and fresh and angry. I loved this book and all its screwed-up people.”

Customer Reviews

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Aloha from Hell 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 108 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not my usual genre, but I dowloaded ""Sandman Slim" on a whim and immediately fell in love. Just finished reading the last in the series, "Aloha From Hell" and am already jonesin' for Stark. Not for the faint of heart or those looking for a fluffy romance novel. These books are dark, intense, very irreverant and profane. But the humor is clever, the hero (or anti-hero, really) is a deeply flawed creature with some amazing redeeming qualities. Kadrey has obviously done some research on the subject about which he writes. You'll find a little mainstream religion, a little Paganism, a little Greek mythology and a smattering of Milton thrown into the mix. It's a roller coaster ride. Just hang on and enjoy the ride.
harstan More than 1 year ago
Lucifer the Fallen Angel has left Hell for Heaven. His abdication fails to eliminate sin as the monotheistic churches claimed it would, but instead leaves behind an even more dangerous power struggle to sit on his former throne. Avenging Nephilim James "Sandman Slim" Stark recently killed Mason Faim the magician who exiled him to Hell where he became Lucifer's bodyguard for over a decade. Mason finds he owes his "friend" for sending him to Hell were he plans his new gig to deploy the faithful on an invasion of Heaven. Kissi the demon encourages Mason to take the war to the enemy as his evil essence has plans to take over regardless of who survives the end of days combat. Stark ponders why God remains on vacation instead of acting to prevent the war that could end the universe. He understands the Lord's free will doctrine, so expecting no divine intervention; he decides to enter Hell on a Heavenly cause; besides which he prays he can bring his murdered girlfriend back with him if he escapes to los Angeles. The third Sandman Slim urban fantasy (see Sandman Slim and Kill the Dead) is a delightful dark humorous noir starring an antihero who will persuade readers that Los Angeles is as hellish of a place as Hell is. The support cast on all sides of the conflict is developed to enhance an exhilarating violently over the top of the Tower of Babel plot. Fans will enjoy Richard Kadrey's latest contrary satirical spin with his fabulous twisting End of Days. Harriet Klausner
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
What a hilarious wise-ass Columbo/John Constantine cocktail. With a touch of Yosemite Sam. That Stark guy,I'm already quoting him.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Big fun. kinda muddy towards the end but no loose ends. What bothers me is i feel like i know these guys. Don't stop ...mhu
GordonF More than 1 year ago
The third installment of Sandman Slim closes a lot of open story threads, coming to what amounts to conclusion of Slim's mission in life. It's violence filled text, filled with exactly the right kind of humor, shoots forward at a breakneck pace. Still, for all that, it falls just a little short of the first novels, like it's trying to close threads, leave a few bits left for further adventure, but manages to sideline any real motivation on the part of Slim beyond "well, we should finish this story out..." Even with that, still a good book worth reading.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not my favorite book of the series but still a good read
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not a bad tale, but too inconsistent. Also hard to believe that a human would oust Lucifer. Too bad the series has potential.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
James aka Sandman Slim is fantastic, not boyfriend material, but a great guy to have in a fight!
Anonymous 4 months ago
Like it enough to get the next one.
dsdmd on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
What can I say, I love Sandman Slim. Describing his stories is a whole different thing. Irreverent, sacreligious, outrageous, violent with lots of blood and gore, sexy, supernatural, humorous, and that's just for a beginning. Sandman Slim is a nephilm...half angel and half human. His friends are not your normal friends. His roommate, Kasabian, is a living head. (SS cut off the head but its back to life and using a skateboard as a body with magic...or hoodoo as it's called...allowing the wheels to be used as limbs (sort of). It steals his cigarettes and drinks his beer and beats him at pool. His current girlfriend is a Jade, a monster that turns your insides to liquid so she can drink them, but she's on the wagon and controlling those urges for the most part with a potion. He travels through the room of 13 doors to which only he has the key by moving through shadows and can go pretty much anywhere in the Universe this way.He spent 11 years in Hell as a living human and now he is returning there to try to find and rescue his old dead girlfriend and to save the universe. God has left Heaven and is missing. Lucifer has left Hell and gone to Heaven. The Kissi (angels God made but threw in the reject pile and who are now chaos loving demons) are back. Mason, Sandman's nemesis, is in Hell and gathering Lucifer's Generals and their armies to take over Heaven and destroy both Heaven and Hell. Hell is going to Hell so to speak under Mason's leadership with chaos and mayhem running rampant. There was actually some degree of order when it was under Lucifer's control). Oh, and most of this occurs in Los Angeles, even when it is taking place in Hell.This book, as well as the other Sandman Slim novels, is constant twists and turns and magic and mayhem. The writing is different and fast paced with something new in almost every sentence. I truly cannot do justice to these stories. That said, there would be many people offended by this type writing...VERY offended. It definitely isn't something you would find in a Christian bookstore and, if that is your preferred genre, I would recommend you stay far away from these books. However, if you can put your tongue in cheek and accept it for what it is, I think you will find this a very entertaining series of books. (This book was first provided and reviewed for the Amazon Vine Program)
StarrReina on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
¿Aloha From Hell¿ by Richard Kadrey:The title alone makes you speculate about what in the hell this book is about. It¿s a Sandman Slim novel that takes you from Earth to Hell to Heaven and back around again. Sandman Slim is half mortal, half something. Some say monster, others say angel. I¿ll let you be the judge. The major players are Sandman Slim, of course, Lucifer, God and many other evil beings all trying to make Heaven into Hell and vice versa or just eradicate everything. Sandman Slim has his own agenda. First, save his ex-lover Alice from Hell. She was brought there from Heaven by a villain named Mason to entice Sandman Slim to go to Hell to get her. And he does more than just save Alice. That¿s the second part. For me to simply saying he wants to kill Mason is not near adequate. There are no words for what Sandman Slim goes through to accomplish his objections. You really need to read the book in order to understand.Full of action, wit and suspense, this grabbed a hold of me and wouldn¿t let go. Kadrey is a master storyteller (overused, I know, but very apt) and he will have you rooting for him in Hell and on Earth.
walterqchocobo on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This is the third book in the Sandman Slim series. If you haven't read the other ones, I would recommend picking them up first. The author doesn't spend a lot of time getting the reader back up to speed on previous events. This book flows much better than the other two as the author seems to be more comfortable with his characters. This time, Stark heads back to hell to confront Mason and save Alice. A quick but very enjoyable read. The ending suggested that we haven't heard the last of Sandman Slim.
craso on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A former member of the Golden Vigil asks Stark, Vidocq and Candy to look into a failed exorcism. A sin-eater had tried to remove a demon from a youngman and failed. When Stark and the others find the kid they discover he isn't being possesed by a demon, but by Mason, Starks nemesis. Mason tells him he has kidnapped Alice, Starks first love, from Heaven and is holding her in Hell. Stark decides it's time to go down to Hell and deal with him.This is the third book in the Sandman Slim series. It was much easier to follow than the last novel. There was a lot more backround story and it links better with the first book. If you want to read only one book in the series read this one or the first.I enjoy Kadrey's style of writing. There are no chapter breaks and the story goes full tilt to the end. I can't wait until the next book is published. This is a great series.
earthwindwalker on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
The third book in the Sandman Slim series doesn¿t disappoint. My favorite character in this journey is Stark with a side of Alice. The book has plenty of twists and turns and some of my questions were answered. Kadrey¿s definition of God is outside of the box and I love it. It makes a weird sort of sense once you think about it. It¿s a kickass confection of action with a little twist of the crazy liquor of love. Kadrey is fast becoming one of my favorite authors. His unique characters pull me full tilt on the carnival ride through Hell and beyond.I¿m looking forward to the next Sandman Slim installment.This journey gets 5 fairies for making me think outside of the box and keeping me turning the pages.
Jubercat on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A decent showing from Kadrey, but not nearly as much fun as the previous novel, Kill the Dead, which had me giggling like a teenager at Stark's many caustic remarks. Kadrey is so skilled at turning a phrase (and he can make Stark swear like a wounded pirate with a wide and colorful vocabulary); I wish he had done more of that in Aloha. I believe he may have been too focused on tying up loose ends and bringing the story (at least the first act) to a conclusion, which made it feel more stilted and mundane than the previous novels. Nevertheless, I'm still a fan of Sandman Slim.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A little too much recapping in some asides, which, if you jump into the series here rather than on the first book, is convenient. Some of the travels lag a bit...one or two new characters along the way seem to be underdeveloped...and a part of the climax was a little confusing/vague in the middle of it...but the five stars come in because of monumental scope, real shifts for the main characters, a breezy compelling style, a good balance of tones, and some audacious authorial choices. Being unsure repeatedly of how the hero can win is a big plus throughout the series. A few of the surprises will resonate more if you read from the first book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Man, I am so glad o found the Sandman Slim series. I think I have BookBub to thank for that discovery. I love the character Lucifer/ Samael. There are a lot of great characters aside from the main character. The stories are great and totally keep my attention. I don't think I have been so excited to keep reading a story in a long time. I also like the sarcastic hardboiled detective angle. I also totally dig all of the real life references the author makes. I really like discovering new songs, authors, events, and generally cool things referenced by the author. I kind of feel like reading Sandman slim is also a scavenger hunt for cool references. I love thai series so much that after reading the 2nd in the series I bought the remaining books in the series just so I could go straight from one book/story to the next. Please, Richard Kadrey, keep making more books/stories in this series. I woild even like to see a few spinoff books delving deeping into slme of the more interesting characters. Thank you for creating such a great and entertaining world!
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